Finn, Interrupted
by GrittyRe-boot
Summary: AU: "You're going to stay here for awhile son, just so you can get some rest," Burt says, Finn doesn't respond, he simply stares down at the bandages on his wrists, wishing his stepfather would have came home five minutes later. Finchel w/ some Brittana.
1. Prologue

**A/N: Yay, two of my favorite fanfic tropes, a crazy AU scenario and mega-angst. This has been on the backburner for awhile, but I'm almost done with Speak so I figured I'd post the first chapter now.**

**Disclaimer: I never seem to remember to include these anymore. But anyway, I don't own glee, if I did Finn and Rachel would have banged already.**

The gun is cold and heavy in his hand, the safety is off, the house is empty and so is he. It's time, he doesn't want his mom to find him this way, he locks the door, she'll read the note first, the cops will have to Kick open the door, they'll find him first, they'll keep her away, or at least that's how he hopes it will happen. It's better this way, he thinks. There was a time when his miserable existence didn't affect anyone else, when he could live inside of his own head and be alone with his demons, but that time has passed. He can't forget Burt's face, that look of terror, of heartbreak at what his son had become. His mother kept insisting it wasn't his fault, that it was the illness that made him snap. He was sick of it, of feeling like his emotions were destroying him from the inside out. The crippling sadness he felt one minute, the mania he felt the next, he felt like a prisoner in his own mind. The pills were useless, instead of feeling like he was on a neverending emotional rollercoaster, he felt nothing at all, numb, like a zombie, and he couldn't decide which was worse.

He's ready, there's nothing left for him here, and his family will be so much better off without him around as a constant burden. He makes sure the door is locked and he takes a deep breath before pressing the gun to his temple. He squeezes his eyes shut. His heart is pounding violently in his chest and his hands are shaking, making it hard to keep a steady grip on the gun. He breaths in and out once more. _Just do it, just pull the trigger,_ he thinks to himself_ you won't feel a thing, just peace, for once you'll feel peace._ It's Burt's face, that look on Burt's face, the memory of it that gives him the drive, that gives him that one needed push. He squeezes the trigger until it gives completely under his finger… nothing. He's still here, still standing. He pulls it again, still nothing. He doesn't understand, Burt always keeps it loaded, or so he says. He removes the clip, it's as he suspected, no bullets.

"Fuck!" he cries out loud. He leaves the gun on the bathroom counter, unlocks the door and stalks out of there. He looks everywhere, Burt's dresser, his nightstand, his shoeboxes, beneath his bed. He tries to remember if Burt ever mentioned where he keeps his ammo, no such luck, his mind is a total blank. He proceeds to search the rest of the house, he searches frantically, this needs to be done, and fast before his mom gets home. He searches the garage next, rifling through his toolboxes, nothing. At that he finally dissolves into tears, collapsing onto the floor, his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. He breathes, in and out, trying to calm himself down enough to figure out his next move. He can jump off of the roof, but it isn't high enough to kill him, he can swallow a handful of pills, but he has enough trouble swallowing the ones he has to take every day for his mood swings. He shoots up from his position on the floor and stalks back into the bathroom. He presses the gun to his head and pulls the trigger again, and again and again, not sure what he hopes to accomplish. He hears only clicks as he pulls the trigger over and over again, until finally he throws the gun across the room and puts his fist through the mirror in frustration. His knuckles sting and throb, he looks down at his hand, blood, blood all over his knuckles. And it dawns on him. He takes a shard of mirror from the sink and looks at his reflection, magnified in the shattered mirror, shattered, like him. He locks the door again and without another thought he presses the shard as hard as he can into his wrist until the bright red droplet beads around it. He grimaces as he cuts downward, he doesn't remember where he heard it, but cutting down is the more effective way. The blood comes so fast, spilling onto the white tile and his brown sneakers. His hand shakes as he starts on his other wrist. He wants it to go fast, he wants his mind to just go blank, he wants that peace. He drops the bloody shard into the sink and watches himself bleed. He's already lightheaded, he looks into the shattered mirror and sees that his face is already going pale. It will be over soon.

His legs give out from under him and he knocks the various bottles and jars off of the counter as he falls to the floor. It's over, he's done, and as he begins to fade away, the last thing he hears is someone slamming through the door, And the last thing he sees is Burt's face looking down at him as he pulls him into his arms.


	2. The Ward

**Another short one. The chapters will most likely get longer after this, I just didn't have much time to write today. **

He doesn't want to look at either of them, because if he does they'll expect him to talk and there's just nothing to say, and he hates to see his mother cry, and she hasn't stopped since he woke up the day before. They were able to save his life with the help of a blood transfusion and some quick thinking, but there was no cause for celebrating. He was alive, sure, but his parents came away from the ordeal knowing one thing, their 17 year old son didn't want to live anymore, what could they do with that? Where did they go from here? He just couldn't look at them, he was too ashamed, he wanted to spare them from his problems but instead he just ended up causing more, just like he always did.

"Finn," Dr. Schuester says gently. "Finn did you hear what I said?"

He hadn't been listening, but he decides to give the doctor the courtesy of forced eye contact. "Your parents and I believe that in this situation temporary involuntary commitment is the best solution, just until we feel you're no longer a danger to yourself or others."

"Wait…" Finn starts, finally talking. "You're locking me up?"

"We believe it's for the best," Schuester says once more.

He doesn't know what to say, he supposes he should have expected it, this is what happens when a mentally ill teenager opens up his wrists, he gets sent to a crazy house. He can't even argue, even though he probably would if they hadn't forced him to take his meds that morning. He looked down again, not wanting to endure another second of Dr. Schuester's sympathy.

"You're going to stay here for awhile son, just so you can get some rest," Burt says, Finn doesn't respond, he simply stares down at the bandages on his wrists, wishing his stepfather would have came home five minutes later. Burt places a firm hand on Finn's shoulder and squeezes a little, and Finn wishes even more that he had succeeded in killing himself.

"We promise that it's only temporary," His mother, Carole says, her voice breaking as she talks.

"I just don't get what the point is," Finn finally says, shrugging his shoulders. "If I'm never going to get better what's the point in trying?"

"Don't talk like that Finn, I know you're having a hard time but things will get better."

"Your mother is right," Dr. Schuester says. "Bipolar disorder, especially a case as severe as yours can be a very scary thing to deal with, but through proper treatment you can live a perfectly normal life."

"You mean the pills?" Finn scoffs.

"That is part of it, yes," Dr. Schuester says carefully.

"I can't take that stuff anymore. I feel freaking empty, all the time." he says, tears brimming in his eyes.

"Well, we can run more tests, possibly get you started on some new medication, but for now the important thing is your well being. You weren't on your meds when you tried to kill yourself Finn," Dr. Schuester says. "You need to be monitored."

"You mean I need to be babysat?"

"You can call it what you want," Burt says. "But I'm not going to sit here and watch while my son self-destructs. You need this Finn."

"I don't know why you're bothering to convince me, it's not like I have a choice."

"We just want you to go into this with an open mind," Dr. Schuester says. "If you're shut off and unwilling to accept help then you're not going to get better Finn. That's all any of us want, for you to get better, and whether you admit it or not, I know it's what you want too."

He finally looks at Dr. Schuester again, then at both of his parents and tries not to cry.

* * *

><p>"This is Nurse Jones, she's going to show you around," Dr. Schuester says as they enter the ward.<p>

Finn greets the young black nurse with a weak nod.

"You can call me Mercedes, and don't worry," Mercedes says. "It's not all One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest in here." Finn skims the space, she seems right, it looks more like a rec room where everyone is dressed in their pajamas. A cute Asian girl with streaked hair is playing cards with a blue eyed brunette boy with wavy hair, a striking Latina girl is watching TV on the couch, her head on the shoulder of a pretty blonde. A gorgeous, but frail-looking blonde is painting a portrait of a smug looking guy with a Mohawk, a kid in wheelchair is working a rubix cube, and a tiny brunette is tinkering with the piano in the corner, he can't see her face but he recognizes the song, it's a somewhat broken version of Defying Gravity, he remembers seeing that play for his stepbrother's birthday. It's comforting that at first glance none of them seem all that crazy.

"I told you I don't want to watch any fucking Hoarders!" The pretty Latina yells to a robust, bespectacled girl who just changed the channel, to which the bigger girl simply hisses.

"Tell this fucking bitch to turn it back to Project Runway!" the Latina carries on.

"That's enough Santana, You know it's Lauren's turn." Dr Schuester says. "You finish showing Finn around, and Finn, I'll see you bright and early for our session tomorrow," he continues before walking out of there.

"Fuck that noise, come on Brit," Santana says, taking the blonde by the hand and stalking out of there. Maybe Finn was wrong about the crazy.

"That's Santana, you'll get used to her," Mercedes says. "This is our community room, this is where all the patients go when they're not in group therapy or one-on-one. We have cable, cards, games, books, the whole nine."

"Mercedes? Mercedes what are you doing? I'm supposed to give you a piano lesson, do you remember me harassing you until you agreed?" Finn turns his attention to the source of the voice, it's the girl on the piano, she has turned toward them and he can finally see her face, she's utterly beautiful, with full lips and big dark eyes framed by long lashes and nearly flawless olive skin marred only by a mysterious scar along the side of her neck. "I don't appreciate you avoiding me Mercedes."

"I'm not avoiding you Streisand, I'm showing our newest guest around," Mercedes says, rolling her eyes.

At that the brunette widens her eyes and plunks the piano cover down. "Oh… my… god," she says as she gets up and walks toward Finn, not breaking eye contact. He nervously shifts his eyes back and forth before refocusing on the intense girl walking toward him. "I can't believe it, it's you," she continues, as if he's someone she's seen before, but not for a very long time.

"Um, okay… who am I?" Finn says confusedly.

She doesn't answer, she simply squeals and throws her arms around him, leaving him completely flummoxed.

"Rachel, no, you don't do that," Mercedes says firmly, reaching for the brunette.

"No, it's okay," Finn says, hesitantly returning the random hug, an unexpected, nervous smile reaching his lips, it had been a long time since he smiled about anything, it was odd that a crazy girl hugging him would suddenly have that affect.

"Mike? Sam? A little help?" Mercedes says, at that two orderlies, a lithe Asian and a full-lipped blond go to pull her off.

"Alright kiddo save it for the first date," The blond orderly says as they break them apart.

"Does she do that a lot?" Finn whispers over to Mercedes.

"No, you would be the first, but I wouldn't worry about it, all last week she thought she was possessed by the ghost of Barbra Streisand," Mercedes says.

"I _am_ Mercedes, just because she's dormant this week doesn't mean that she's gone," Rachel insists.

"But Barbra Streisand isn't dead," Finn says.

"I know, that's the really weird part," Rachel says in almost a whisper.

"Why don't you practice the piano some more?" Mercedes says, "Go on, shoo." At that Rachel pouts and turns on her heel marching back to the piano.

"What's her deal?" Finn says as he begins to follow behind Mercedes.

"Who, Rachel?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, she seems sort of weird I guess."

"If you haven't noticed this is a mental hospital," Mercedes says apathetically. "Anyway, this is the group therapy room, we have group every day at one, no exceptions, no excuses." They continue down the hall, "This is the cafeteria, I think it speaks for itself," they continue walking. "And this is your room," she says finally stopping. "You'll be sharing with Puckerman, that's the kid with the Mohawk, don't worry about him, he looks tough but he's harmless."

"Then why is he here?" Finn says.

"He just set a few abandoned buildings on fire, but as long as we don't let him have a lighter he's fine."

He sighs softly and tries to make sense of all of this, this is going to be his home for the indefinite future, this cold, gray room with a cot that he probably won't even fit.

"Well I'll let you get settled in," Mercedes says, clapping him on the back and leaving him to mull over his situation. He drops his duffel bag, the strap removed to prevent him from hanging himself with it. He collapses backward onto his tiny bed, he knows that it's coming. He welcomes it, welcomes the hot tears that spill over as he dissolves into heaving sobs.

**A/N: This story is going to be a challenge for me, I pride myself on writing in character, so if I can pull it off, each of the characters will still be more or less themselves, just with a double shot of crazy. Finn= Bipolar, Puck= Pyromaniac, Santana=Anger issues, Rachel= Psychosis/other issues that will be revealed later, and the rest I will get into more as the story goes along. Stay tuned folks!**


	3. Infatuated

**Sorry this took so long, I wanted to finish Speak before I dove into this story fully, working on three stories at a time is just a bit much. But The updates should come faster from now on.**

He stands in line, his head down, hoping not to draw any attention. He's the tallest by a lot so chances are somebody has noticed him, Rachel noticed him, but he just wants to disappear, disappear until this nightmare is over. If he could be invisible for the remainder of his time here than he'd do so in a heartbeat. However, in spite of how little he wants to be there and how much he wants to avoid everyone he can't help glancing up every now and again, just in case a certain someone he may not want to avoid so much crosses his path, a certain brown-eyed, dark haired, tiny, beautiful someone who hugged him and made him smile if only for a second. She's not here, of course, but he knows that they're bound to cross paths again at some point, and the thought of it makes things feel, well not good, because that's impossible, but at least it makes him feel something other than that dark, cruel feeling that invades his mind from time to time and makes him want to cry endlessly for no reason, or that heart pounding rush of scary adrenaline that nearly killed his stepfather, or the utter nothingness that fills him when he's strung out on pills.

"Finn Hudson?"

He takes his place at the front of the line and takes the pill cup from Mercedes. Who gives him a stern look as he tries to walk away.

"Nuh uh boy," she says, "you take those here," Mercedes says, handing him another cup full of water. He doesn't protest, he knocks back the pill cup and then the water without any words, once again struggling to swallow them without gagging.

"Open," she says nonchalantly. He does.

"Under the tongue."

"I that really necessary?" he says under his breath, the first time he's spoken at all that morning.

"You'd be surprised how much that comes up," she explains, and reluctantly he lifts his tongue.

"Good," Mercedes says, checking off something on her clipboard. "Dr. Schuester will see you now."

He peels off toward Dr. Schuester's office, deeply dreading the session. There's nothing that he particularly wants to say about his suicide attempt or what led to it. The whole thing feels like a waste of time, but there's no getting out of it. He enters the office and is greeted with a kind smile, and Finn knows that he should smile back, out of courtesy, but he can't bring himself to.

"Hello Finn," Dr. Schuester says warmly. "Please sit." He obliges, but doesn't say hi back. "How was your first night?"

"I don't know, I didn't really do anything," Finn admits.

"That's okay," Dr. Schuester says, shrugging. "So is there anything you wanted to talk about today?"

"Not really," Finn says sullenly.

"That's fine too, everyone is different Finn, the important thing is that you're here."

"So are we just going to do this the whole time?" Finn says. "I say something douchey and you tell me it's fine?"

"If that's the way you want to approach it," Dr. Schuester says, to which Finn rolls his eyes. "So let's talk about—

"I don't want to talk about why I tried to kill myself," Finn snaps.

"I wasn't going to ask."

"Good."

"So I was talking to your mom, she had the most wonderful things to say about you Finn."

That gets his attention and he makes eye contact with the doctor again, he was so sure his mom hated him, she said that what happened with Burt wasn't his fault, but she barely talked to him after it happened. Not until the suicide attempt.

"What did she say?" Finn asks.

"She told me that you're an excellent athlete, and smarter than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the biggest heart she's ever seen, those were her exact words."

He doesn't smile, but he can admit that that's nice to hear.

"She also told me how talented you are," Dr. Schuester continues. "You're in a band correct?"

"I was, it was this garage band, I was the drummer," he says sadly.

"What happened there?"

"I got sick," he explains, "I was pissed that the lead singer Blaine changed my song and…"

"What happened?"

"I smashed his guitar, so they kicked me out. That was almost a year ago."

"Sounds tough."

"I didn't even know why I was so mad," Finn says. "I never would have done something like that before, kicked a chair maybe but not smashed my best friend's guitar."

"That's when you found out about your illness?"

"No, I didn't find out that there was a problem until a week later."

"What happened?"

"I cut class and drove to Canada," Finn admits shamefully.

"Why Canada?"

"I was talking to this girl in my homeroom, she told me about how she went to Edgefest the year before and it changed her life, and I don't know, I just felt like I had to be there, so after homeroom I got in my truck, emptied my bank account and just started driving."

Dr. Schuester gives him a thoughtful look. "Wildly impulsive behavior, textbook."

"Yeah," Finn agrees.

"What happened when you got to Canada Finn?"

"I never did. I didn't have a passport so they turned me away at the border," Finn explains. "And I just completely flipped out. I couldn't stop yelling, it was like I was outside my own head or something."

"And did you have any suicidal thoughts at the beginning?"

"I told you I don't want to talk about that," Finn snaps.

"Sorry," Dr. Schuester says, raising his hands defensively. "I didn't realize you meant in general."

"Do I seriously have to be here for the entire half hour?" Finn says, slightly annoyed.

"I think it's a good idea, you're already opening up Finn."

"I wasn't," he argues. "You could have read any of that stuff in my file."

"Maybe, but I prefer hearing it from you."

He doesn't answer, he just looks down at his bandaged wrists.

"Finn we don't have to talk about your illness if you don't want to, we can talk about anything you want, anything at all."

Finn makes eye contact with the doctor again. "Anything?"

"Whatever you want."

"What do you know about that girl Rachel?"

"I'm not allowed to discuss other patients with you Finn."

"You said anything."

"Anything about you," Dr. Schuester explains.

"Well _I_ want to know about Rachel."

"Why do you want to know about Rachel?"

"Because," Finn says, not immediately able to find the words. "I don't know, there's something about her I guess."

"Finn I think I should tell you now that engaging in romantic relationships with the other patients is frowned upon."

"I'm not trying to ask her out or anything," Finn says. "I'm just interested, I'm allowed to be interested."

"Well, then I suggest you talk to her," Dr. Schuester says. "We don't encourage romantic relationships but friendships are perfectly fine."

Finn thinks he can live with that.

* * *

><p>He knows that he should be doing something, like playing cards or air hockey, he's always been good at air hockey, or even watching something on the TV, just being a part of the room. But that foggy emptiness has filled him again once the pills have kicked in and all he feels like doing is sitting there. He can't even bring himself to look for Rachel, but that doesn't stop him from thinking about her, and wondering where she is, and wishing that he could see her, wishing that she would hug him again. He is snapped out of his thoughts of Rachel when the small couch vibrates beneath him slightly and he looks up to see who kicked it. It's the Asian girl with the cute round face, she doesn't say anything, but she's holding up a stack of cards and raising her eyebrows suggestively.<p>

"No thanks, maybe next time though," Finn says quietly, at that she moves on to the boy in the wheelchair.

"That's Tina, she stopped talking three months ago so her parents sent her here."

It's her, he's only ever heard her speak once before but he already instantly recognizes her voice, before he can look towards her to confirm who the voice belongs to she has plopped down in his lap and her arms are circling his neck. She's wearing pink, from head to toe, a pink t shirt and pink checkered pajama shorts and her hair pulled up from her pretty face with a pink ribbon and pink fuzzy slippers. And everything about her is just so wonderfully, beautifully pink.

"Hi," Rachel says sweetly.

"H-hi," he stammers nervously, he hopes that there are no orderlies around as she sits weightlessly in his lap, he doesn't want them to pull her off.

"Why didn't you come find me? I've been waiting for you in the garden all morning." She was waiting for him? Had he agreed to that? Did it matter?

"Sorry," he says softly, looking at her face, her beautiful, sweet face that he immediately wants to kiss all over, and he thinks it's probably more of those wildly impulsive thoughts that are threatening their way past the effects of the drugs, but he has a feeling he'd want to kiss her even if he weren't crazy.

"So, why did they lock you up?" She says. "What did you do?"

"I tried…" he starts, wondering if he should just say it. "I tried to kill myself."

He flinches a little as she gasps loudly, covering her mouth with both hands and shaking her head, clearly far more shocked than he was expecting her to be.

"Why would you do that?" She says dramatically and he has to do a double take because he thinks there are actually tears in her eyes. "What if you would have succeeded? I never would have met you and that would make me so sad Finn."

"I'm sorry," he says, not sure what he's apologizing for. "I guess I wasn't thinking."

"You most certainly were not," she says. "What would make you want to kill yourself?"

"I can't," he says softly, shamefully. "I can't talk about that."

"I'm going to get you to tell me, you think I won't but I will. I have a gift."

"I'll take you word for it," he says.

"Did you meet everyone yet?" she says, almost excitedly.

"No, I've pretty much been sitting here this whole time."

"Well, that's Quinn," she says pointing to the skinny blonde who appears to be sketching something on a pad. "She never eats anything and it makes her mean."

"She's pretty," Finn admits and Rachel gives him a look that he can't immediately read. "But you know, so are you," She smiles, accepting the compliment, and continues to her task.

"That's Santana and Brittany, _they're lovers_" she continues, saying the last part in a whisper as she points to the blonde and the latina dancing in the corner. "Don't say anything."

"I wasn't going to," Finn says.

"I mean it," she insists.

"I don't know who you expect me to tell," he reasons.

"Just so we're clear," Rachel says. "Anyway, Brittany's parents had her committed when she started murdering squirrels outside her house and stuffing them."

"Jesus," Finn sighs, his eyes going wide in fear.

"And Santana was having an affair with the principal's daughter at her old school, when he found out and sent his daughter to boarding school, she took a metal bat to his car when he was leaving the parking lot."

He remains silent but the horrified look remains as she turns her attention to the boy in the wheelchair, now playing cards with Tina.

"Artie over there was an amazing dancer, but he was paralyzed in a car accident last year, he's been depressed ever since, he tried to commit suicide, like you. His mom had his car modified so he could drive it without the use of his legs and he tried to gas himself in the garage."

"That's so sad," Finn says, feeling a little bit ashamed that the first thought that comes to his mind is why didn't he think of that.

"Jesse is a sociopath, nobody knows why he's here, he changes his story every time," She continues pointing to the wavy haired brunette reading in the corner. "He's also in love with me."

Finn looks away from Jesse and back to Rachel, inquiring with his eyes.

"Don't worry, I don't feel the same way," She says, as if reading his mind.

"Why would I worry about that?" Finn says unconvincingly.

"Because you want to have sex with me," she says bluntly, and he has no idea how to respond to that besides looking away from her nervously.

"I don't… I mean I just met you. I don't want to… do _that,_" he lies.

"Don't worry, it's okay, because I have a secret."

"What's that?" he says, his voice suddenly hoarse. And she puts his lips up to his ear and wraps her arms tighter around his neck, sending a pleasurable chill down his spine.

"I'm infatuated with you," she whispers seductively into his ear.

"Thanks," Finn says confusedly. "That's a good thing right?"

"It means I think you're beautiful," she says, cupping his face and looking into his eyes, and he wants to kiss her, he wants to kiss her more than he's ever wanted to do anything, but she's so incredibly weird, probably the weirdest girl he's ever met, and she's also beautiful in a way that he's never seen before and she's infatuated with him, and he's pretty infatuated with her too, and he has absolutely nothing to lose, and nobody is looking. So yes, he wants to kiss her, so he leans in, until their noses are touching and his lips are so dangerously close to hers that he can feel the warmth coming off of her skin.

"You know that's _frowned upon_," Puck says sarcastically plopping down on the couch next to them, immediately breaking Finn's trance.

"This is Noah," Rachel says spitefully. "He likes to burn things."

"I've heard," Finn says.

"You went to bed so early last night, I didn't even get a chance to grill the new guy," He says, reaching his hand out for Finn to shake. "Noah Puckerman, but call me Puck or I'll beat the shit out of you."

"I'm Finn," Finn says reaching around Rachel to shake his hand.

"So I see you're a member of the bracelet club," Puck says noticing the white bandages. "Why'd you try to off yourself?"

"My psychiatrist just asked me the same question, I wouldn't tell him either." Finn says.

"What are you a bipe?" Puck continues.

"How did you know that?" Finn says, knitting his brow.

Puck simply shrugs, "You just have that look."

"Alright everyone, time for group," Finn turns his head toward the chirpy, big eyed redhead who has just entered the rec room and he checks the wall clock, it's one on the dot.

Fuck my life, he thinks to himself as Rachel scrambles up from his lap.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	4. Group Therapy

Are they all staring at me, or is it just me? Finn thinks to himself as he takes his seat in group. He's the new guy, there's bound to be an uncomfortable amount of attention and it's impossible to know where he stands with these people, it is very possible that one of them sees him as a mechanized giant bunny, probably the cute blonde taxidermist. And Jesse, the sociopath, keeps glaring at him, did he see when he almost kissed Rachel? He's still not sure what made him want to do it, sure she's pretty but so are a lot of the other girls, in fact he was surprised to find out just how much eye candy there was in this place, but those other girls didn't have that effect on him. There was something different about Rachel, something exciting and scary and beautiful, and damn it he wants to kiss her. He shouldn't want to kiss her, she's fucking certifiable, but then again, so is he, and she's smiling at him, and her smile is like sunshine and gumdrops and Julie Andrews singing on hilltops, and he really, really wants to kiss her. He thinks he might possibly want to kiss crazypants more than he wants to kill himself, and there's something both comforting and frightening in that. And when he leaned in she didn't back away, because maybe she wanted to kiss him too. Stupid Puck.

"Okay everyone," The chirpy redhead doctor beams as she takes her seat. He can tell that she's one of those perky types who for some reason can't wrap her mind around the fact that hospitals are fucking depressing. "Let's get started, as you can see we have a new guest," _guest_, she calls them guests. "Everyone say hi to Finn."

They all say hi with varying levels of enthusiasm.

"Finn, My name is Dr. Emma Pillsbury it's very nice to have you with us," really? It's nice that I've been institutionalized? he thinks silently to himself. "Did you want to tell us about yourself?"

He clears his throat and scans the room nervously, the only ones who don't have their eyes fixed on him are Puck who is nonchalantly picking at his nails and Santana and the big girl Lauren who are trading angry stares with each other, he figures he better talk lest he make things even more uncomfortable.

"Um, I'm Finn," he says nervously, under his breath. "There's not really much to say, I'm 17, um, I like football, and I like music."

"Oh my god, you do?" Rachel beams, as if it's somehow groundbreaking that he likes music. "Do you sing? You sing don't you? I can tell."

"Um, yeah, I sing," Finn says, a little surprised.

"I knew it, I'm a little bit psychic, ask anyone." and he smiles a little again, what the hell was that anyway?

"Rachel it will be your turn to talk soon, right now we're getting to know Finn," Dr. Pillsbury says gently.

"It's okay, I'm finished," Finn says.

"Okay, there's no pressure to communicate a lot the first day," Dr. Pillsbury says "You'll find that it comes naturally after awhile. So does anybody else have something they want to share?"

"Yeah, nurse Jones confiscated my chewing gum," Quinn says dourly. "I need that gum, it's the only way I can keep from strangling someone since they made me quit smoking."

"Well Quinn, we told you upon your arrival here that your not allowed any appetite suppressants," Dr. Pillsbury says.

"I've gained three pounds and I look disgusting, you would think they would give me one goddamn break." Quinn says angrily.

"You need to cut that shit out, you're fucking gorgeous," Puck says, and Quinn's lip quivers a little at the comment but she still looks angry.

"That's very nice Noah but do you think you can clean up the language a bit?" Dr. Pillsbury says.

"Sorry Dr. Pills," Puck says.

"So moving on, Rachel, have you been experiencing any manifestations lately?"

"Are you kidding me? She had me up all night singing Funny Girl," Santana snipes. "Why couldn't I have gotten the vampire as a roommate? At least she's quiet."

"Santana I'm sorry but I can't control Barbra anymore than the sexist media can," Rachel says. "Barbra needs to sing."

"No Barbra needs to up her meds," Santana shoots back.

"Well Luckily today is Tuesday, you all know what that means, Ms. Rhodes will be coming for musical therapy today, yay," Dr. Pillsbury says, putting her little fists up in the air at the last part.

"There is nothing more that that woman can teach me," Rachel says haughtily.

"Musical therapy isn't about learning techniques, it's about having fun, right guys?" Dr. Pillsbury says, to which half the room halfheartedly agrees.

"Fun doesn't get you to Carnegie hall," Rachel says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Do we get to play instruments?" Finn says so quietly that Dr. Pillsbury barely hears him at first.

"Hardly, you'd be surprised how many instruments you can kill yourself with," Puck says, scoffing.

"What about drums?" Finn says, it's been so long since he's played, when Blaine kicked him out of the band it became painful just to look at his drum set, let alone play it. But maybe a borrowed set wouldn't have the same depressive effect.

"Do tribal drums count?" Dr. Pillsbury says.

He thinks it over a bit, and decides it's better than nothing. "I'll be there," he says simply, shrugging.

"I'll be there too," Rachel says excitedly.

"Ooh, looks like someone wants to get their mack on with the new guy, I don't blame you, he's hot for a boy." Santana says, shrugging, and Finn can't help but feel pretty uncomfortable at the fact that they're talking about him as if he's not there, it's already hard enough for him to be in the room without them validating his feelings of being a drug-addled ghost of his former self.

"My interest in attending musical therapy today is purely professional," Rachel insists. "I need to be there to properly appraise Finn's musical talent, I'm assuming you're a baritenor."

"I guess," Finn says shrugging.

"Excellent."

"Okay, we're getting a little off track here," Dr. Pillsbury says. "Who else has something they would like to say?"

"I have something I wanted to ask Finn," Jesse offers, still glaring at Finn.

"Okay Jesse, if that's alright with you Finn"

"Sure," Finn says warily.

"You tried to kill yourself," Jesse says.

"That's not a question," Emma says, whilst Finn simply shrinks down in his seat.

"It is a question, it's a question of character," Jesse says. "What exactly is so wrong with you? Clearly you didn't have all of your dreams ripped away in an instant like my friend Artie here."

"Since when are we friends?" Artie says confusedly.

"Not now, I'm talking," Jesse says coolly. "So Finn, what was it? A girl dump you? parents don't understand you? Some other first world concern that fuels your selfish sense of entitlement?"

"I don't know," Finn says shrugging, a sad look in his eyes. He knows he should be more pissed at this guy, he's clearly a prick, but he can't even manage to glare at him. "I guess my life was just so perfect that I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Sarcasm, that's very passive aggressive of you Finn," Jesse says.

"Jesse you're being extremely rude," Rachel says.

"Rachel's right, this isn't a platform to criticize other guests," Dr. Pillsbury says. "Finn's issues are his cross to bear."

"Now I would understand if Rachel tried to kill herself after the things that she's been through," Jesse continues. "Although surely it would be a much greater loss."

"Jesse, I told you that in confidence," Rachel seethes.

"Rachel it's okay, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Jesse says, shrugging. "You were sexually assaulted while your dads were held down and made to watch, it was beyond anyone's control."

And the room goes silent at that point and Finn's eyes go straight to Rachel, who's eyes are suddenly flooded with tears.

"Jesse I think you should leave now," Dr. Pillsbury says firmly.

"Why, we're here to tell the truth and that's what I'm doing."

"She said to get the fuck out," Finn says as angrily as he can manage, and all eyes are once again on him.

"Why, what are you going to do?" Jesse says. "You're so pilled up right now the biggest threat you pose is falling asleep on me." And Finn knows that Jesse is right, he's so lethargic that he can't get even get upset, but he sees the tears in Rachel's eyes and it's enough to signal that he should be upset and its enough to send him out of his chair and across the room to land a good, solid punch to Jesse's face, knocking him backwards in his chair, and another, and another until Mike and Sam have to pull him off.

* * *

><p>He isn't allowed to attend musical therapy that day, they send him to his room early because of the fight, to think about his actions. The only thing he's thinking is that he doesn't regret it, and that he'd do it again. As lame as it sounds he wanted to go, he wanted to hear Rachel sing, he wonders if she's truly talented or simply delusional, somehow he doesn't think it's the latter. He'll go on Thursday, and hopefully she'll be there too. He wonders if what Jesse said about Rachel was true, if that had actually happened to her, it must have, the way she was crying. He hopes she's okay. There's nothing he can do for her now, being locked up in his room, but he'll talk to her tomorrow, and he'll hug <em>her<em> this time.

**Jesse as always is one of may favorite characters to write, because he works as a bad guy (here and in my other story Star Crossed) and a good guy (Meant For Each Other and The Mermaid Problem). Anyway, stay tuned folks!**


	5. These Dreams

Finn sits there, as detached as ever as he waits for his half-hour to be up. There wasn't much to say this session. The usual _how are you feelings_ and _what are you thinkings, _so when Dr. Schuester asks him about the fight he's a little surprised, he expected this a lot sooner, maybe he was just trying to ease him into it.

"There's nothing to say," Finn mumbles in response to Dr. Schue's question.

"You see that's where I'm concerned," Dr. Schuester responds, "You beat up a fellow patient and you have nothing to say about it? Was this just a random attack?"

"No," Finn says. "He had it coming."

"Why did he have it coming Finn?"

Finn rolls his eyes and lets out a sharp groan, not wanting to answer, but if he doesn't then he'll never get this over with.

"He made Rachel cry," Finn finally says, under his breath.

"I see," Dr. Schue says pensively.

"I just, I felt like I had to do something."

"And you choose physical violence?" Dr. Schue says, a bit judgmentally for a shrink.

"When I'm all drugged out it's hard sometimes, to know the right thing to do, to know how I should feel. When she was crying I just knew that I had to do something."

"Finn I want to make an observation here."

"What? That I'm crazy?"

"No, I wouldn't use that word," Schue says. "But I do think you're using this fixation on Rachel to avoid dealing with your own problems."

"I'm not fixated on her," Finn lies. "But she's a nice person and she doesn't deserve to have some asshole humiliate her in front of everyone. I don't care how crazy he is."

"Okay, I won't push it anymore if you don't want me to, next time I just want you to think before you decide to throw punches in group."

"I'm sorry," Finn says. "I'll be good from now on, I promise."

"Good, I wouldn't want you to get into any more trouble."

"So, can I go now?"

"We still have two minutes."

"Do you really feel like sitting here not talking for two minutes?"

"Fine, you're free to go but I'm making our next session two minutes longer."

* * *

><p>He thinks she might be in the garden, she mentioned being there the last time they talked. He hasn't been outside since he got here two days ago and the fresh air feels nice on his skin. He finds her sitting on a bench, her hair is down today, long and shiny, he bets it smells good too. There is no one around but the orderlies, Mike and Sam, probably there to keep watch in case one of the patients try to drown themselves in the pond. They're talking about one thing or another, but clearly they're not too interested in eavesdropping. He sits next to her, surprised that she doesn't look up and smile her beaming smile at him. She's not crying, but she still looks so sad and it makes him feel like crap.<p>

"Good morning," he says, forcing a friendly half smile. "How did you sleep?"

"I didn't," she says under her breath, and she does look rather tired.

"Are you okay?" He says tentatively, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"They hurt me Finn," she mumbles.

"What?" he says, not sure if he heard her correctly.

"They hurt me, with a knife," she explains, her voice sad and quiet. "And they touched me everywhere, with their hands, and with their mouths, and they hurt my dads."

He realizes now what she's talking about, it's the sad history that Jesse had used to get back at her in group, and it makes him want to cry, he doesn't just feel like he should be crying, he actually wants to cry, because the sweet and exuberant girl who hugged him and said that he was beautiful is so sad now, because somebody had hurt her and her dads. He doesn't think it's appropriate now to ask why she has more than one, the truth is he doesn't care, he only cares that she's sad, he doesn't like her being sad.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Rachel," he says softly, not knowing what else to say.

"It's okay though," she says, biting back tears, her voice shaking. "Because when they come to see me I'm going to hug them both for ten minutes each and tell them how much I love them, and that I'm okay and that I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry about everything."

"Rachel, can you look at me?" he says, his voice gentle. And she looks at him, and there are still tears in her kind, beautiful eyes.

"What is it?" She says.

"I just wanted to..." and he doesn't finish as he hesitantly pulls her tiny body into his arms, burying his face in her soft hair and hugging her close, and she lets him hold her, and she holds him back.

"It's okay Rachel," he says, rubbing her back. "Everything's okay."

"Hey, you know what we should do?" she says, breaking the hug, her face suddenly bright and happy again, as if nothing happened.

"Um, what?" he says confusedly.

"Come on," she says grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him up from the bench. He follows behind, still not sure why everything's suddenly okay again, to tell the truth he's a little afraid, but he follows, wordlessly as she drags him back inside.

"Where are you off to?" Mercedes says as they pass by.

"Don't worry we're not going to do anything crazy," Rachel says, rolling her eyes back in her head and making a spooky gesture with her hands before continuing to drag Finn along until they reach their destination, the empty group therapy room.

"What are we going to do here?" Finn says as she closes the door behind them.

"I wanted to thank you for your chivalry yesterday, please sit," she says, gesturing toward the chair in front of her, and he obliges, nervously taking a seat, and part of him, the guy part, somewhat hopes that the thanks is going to be in the form of a lapdance.

"Rachel are you sure you're okay?" he asks.

"I'm fine why wouldn't I be?" she answers as if she's actually perplexed by his question.

"It's just, a minute ago you were sort of crying."

"Finn, I'm trying to create a moment here, stop dwelling in five minutes ago" she says dismissively, he wants to ask again, just to make sure, but she really does look like she's feeling better, so he decides not to push the issue.

"Alright, go ahead," he says.

"Okay, since you missed musical therapy yesterday I thought we'd have our own private session," she explains. "What would you like me to sing for you?"

He smiles for the third time in two days, because how could he not? "Um, I don't know, what did you want to sing?"

"Although in any other situation I'd be more than happy to make this about me, this is about you Finn, I implore you to pick a song, any song in the world."

"Um, okay," He says, scratching his head in contemplation. "Do you know any Bon Jovi?"

"No," she says.

"Smashing Pumpkins?"

"No."

"REO Speedwagon?"

"Nope."

"Heart?"

"Bingo," she says, beaming. "Which song?"

"Magic Man?".

"No."

"Barracuda?"

"I only know the lyrics to_ These Dreams_ I sang it for my eighth grade talent show, naturally I came in first," she says, flipping her hair confidently.

"Awesome, I actually kind of love that song," he says truthfully.

"Okay good," she says excitedly, prepping herself to sing for him. He doesn't know what to expect but he has to admit that he's a little excited.

_Spare a little candle_  
><em>Save some light for me<em>  
><em>figures up ahead<em>  
><em>Moving in the trees<em>  
><em>White skin in linen<em>  
><em>Perfume on my wrist<em>  
><em>And the full moon that hangs over<em>  
><em>these dreams in the mist<em>

_These dreams go on when I close my eyes_  
><em>Every second of the night I live another life<em>  
><em>These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside<em>  
><em>Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away...<em>

She's an angel, a goddess, a star shooting through the blackest of skies, illuminating everything, casting his shattered heart in its brilliant glow, and the only thing keeping him from crossing the room in two long strides and taking her into his arms and kissing her like his life depends on it is the fact that she's still singing and to silence that voice would be a tragedy.

_...Are the dreams in the mist_  
><em>These dreams go on when I close my eyes<em>  
><em>Every second of the night I live another life<em>  
><em>These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside<em>  
><em>Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away<em>

As she finishes, giving him a cute, approval seeking face, something happens, something strange and foreign and frightening. He feels something, he feels her, because goddamn it that was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard in his life, and while she was singing he felt her everywhere, felt her inside of him, filling him with her pure, effortless beauty. And now as she stands in front of him, awaiting some sort of verdict as if he could possibly describe the pure magic of her voice in words, he thinks he's going to cry, _oh god I am crying_, he thinks to himself, surprised when he reaches up and touches the bit of wetness flowing from his eyes.

"Jesus Christ," he finally says in almost a whisper, not able to tear his eyes away from her, not able to move.

"Why are you crying?" she says sympathetically.

"Um, I'm not," he lies, wiping his eyes. "It's just a side effect, you know, from the medication."

"Oh, okay," she says, appearing to buy it. "So, what did you think?"

"I think you're amazing," he says giving her a little half smile. "I've never met anyone in real life who could sing like you before," he continues rather lamely, but he can't imagine _I want to make sweet love to your voice_ would have gone over any better.

"Why thank you, you're too kind," she says, clearly faking her modesty in a way that's cute rather than obnoxious. "You better bring your A-game tomorrow Finn, if you expect to be my new duet partner in musical therapy, that is."

"You want me to sing a duet with you?" he says, a little surprised, a little honored, a lot honored actually, but there's no way he can compete with her.

"Absolutely, from the first moment I met you I knew that we would have fantastic musical chemistry," She says.

"Well I'm good, I guess but I really don't think-

"Finn, there's no room for self doubt in one's quest for stardom," she says sternly, cutting him off. "You will sing a duet with me and you're going to be fantastic, are we clear?"

"Crystal," he says, his voice rising in pitch involuntarily.

"Good," she says, satisfied. "Come on, lets go get breakfast, if he hurry there might still be some pop-tarts left," she says, taking his arm.

"Oh my god," he thinks to himself as they head toward the breakfast area. "I think I love this girl."

**I Know, not much happening this chapter, but trust me this is headed in some (hopefully) great directions. Stay Tuned folks!**


	6. All About The Music

**I hope you all had a spooktacular Halloween (and yes, I hate myself a little for using the term spooktacular), enjoy this update.**

He keeps glancing over at her, sometimes catching her glancing back at him. Maybe Dr. Schue was right, maybe the reason he can't stop thinking about her, or looking at her or wanting to kiss her is because he doesn't want to think about anything else. She's sweet and happy and beautiful and he likes thinking about her more than thinking about his own fucked-upness. He wishes he could be like her, he wishes he could just forget, be someone else. He knows that part of her is still hurting from what happened, how could she not be? And he wonders silently if he should just tell her, tell her about Burt, about why he wanted to die, about why part of him still does when he's not thinking about her. Be open with her the way she was with him, if only for a moment.

"I personally think the s'more is the best poptart flavor," Rachel says, enjoying her breakfast. "It doesn't pretend to be something it's not. It's dessert for breakfast and it regrets nothing. If only people could be that self-assured."

"How can you eat that stuff?" Quinn says, shuddering as she pushes the fruit salad around on her plate.

"You have to treat yourself sometimes," Rachel says shrugging.

"Enjoy being a fatass," Quinn says, to which Rachel's smile falls a little.

"You're not fat," Finn whispers over to her, and her smile returns.

"So, who's going to musical therapy tomorrow?" Rachel says.

"I'm down," Puck says. "As long as you don't hit me with the sheet music this time."

"I'm sorry Puck but the subject matter of your song choice was completely inappropriate."

"What? _Sex Farm_?" Puck says, shrugging.

"When my dog got sick my parents sent him to a sex farm," Brittany says monotonously.

"In any case I'm glad you're coming, Finn is going to sing for us," Rachel beams. "If he makes the cut he could very well be my new duet partner."

"Wait," Jesse says, frantically. "You're replacing me?"

"I'm sorry Jesse but you lost the right to create beautiful music with me when you humiliated me in group and insulted Finn." she says coolly. "You did this to yourself."

Jesse grimaces in disgust, probably aggravating the tender bruises on his face in the process "Well I hope you and the Sasquatch will be very happy together," Jesse says. "Finn, this isn't over, not by a long shot." he continues, shooting up form the breakfast table and storming out.

"Don't worry about him," Rachel says. "He's just a big jealous baby."

"Who just happens to be criminally insane," Finn adds under his breath, nervously.

"I told him when we met that our relationship was to be strictly professional, he can be such a...

He loses track of what she's saying as he continues to look sideways at her, listening to the sound of her voice, looking at her pretty face as she talks to him a mile a minute, and he can't help himself, he doesn't kiss her because Mike and Sam are right there, but he wants to touch her, he wants her to know how she makes him feel, even if it's just through a small gesture like holding her hand under the table. She's moved on from talking to him, she's now talking to Puck again about appropriate song choices for musical therapy, he hears her suggest_ Twilight Zone_ by Golden Earring, relatively clean with just enough of a bad boy edge to satiate him, Puck's surprised she knows that song, Rachel explains that having a multifaceted array of songs at one's disposal is imperative to any up and coming singer, Finn thinks imperative must mean important, and it makes him happy that she goes on to talk about her intention to learn some Bon Jovi, and at that Finn drifts his eyes toward the ceiling faux-nonchalantly as he slowly begins to brush his knuckles along hers, she probably thinks it's an accident at first, but he continues, slowly, softly, hooking his index finger with her pinky, gingerly weaving his fingers through hers, one by one, and he knows that she realizes what he's doing when she stops talking mid-sentence. She doesn't pull her hand away, she doesn't look uncomfortable, or even that surprised, she just smiles, holds his hand back and continues going on about classic rock.

He falls asleep that night thinking about how soft her hand is.

* * *

><p>His leg bounces nonstop, and he thinks silently that if this is how nervous he is on the pills he wouldn't stand a chance off them. Rachel keeps smiling at him so encouragingly and somehow it just makes things worse. It's not that he's nervous about performing, he's performed in front of an audience too many times to count, but he's never sang a love song to a girl before, especially one he has no business singing a love song to. But the more he thinks about her the more he thinks that this is the perfect song, he just hopes he can get it together long enough to sing it.<p>

"Well good morning sunshines!" Finn turns his head to the door as Dr. Schue comes in with a guitar strapped around his chest, followed by a sprightly blonde. She's a bit older than Dr. Schue, and rather cute in a slightly tacky sort of way, and disregarding the sky high wedges she's sporting she may very well be even tinier than Rachel, but certainly not on top, he imagines she's the type of girl Puck might be into.

"Hi Ms. Rhodes," Everyone says.

"Are you crazy kids ready to do this thing?" she says, placing the tub of assorted musical instruments on the floor.

"Kind of a poor choice of words April," Dr. Schue says over to her under his breath.

"Oh please, I'm just screwing around, you guys aren't offended are you?" April says, waving her hand dismissively.

"Only by Dr. Schuester's Bill Cosby sweater," Santana says bitchily.

"Very Funny Santana," Dr. Schuester says sarcastically, and at that he swings his guitar around to the front and begins to strum tunelessly, "So, Finn since you're new I thought you could have first pick of the instruments, I know you like the drums."

"Actually, um if it's okay, I'd like to sing a song," he says quietly.

"Yay," Rachel says, clapping a little.

"Well knock me over with a feather," Ms. Rhodes says. "We never get volunteers, alright teenage dream, show us what you got."

"Um, okay," Finn says, standing up hesitantly. "Do you know _Junk of the Heart_?"

"No, sorry," Mr. Schue says. "But I have a great selection of Journey songs, or maybe Christopher Cross."

"I know it," Puck says, raising his hand. "I can play it if Schue lets me borrow his guitar."

"We talked about this Puck," Dr. Schue sighs.

"Relax dude, it's not like I'm going to rip off one of those guitar strings and strangle you with it," Puck says.

"The fact that you would even say that troubles me," Dr. Schue says.

"Come on, I need blisters on these fingers," Puck argues.

"Come on Will let the boy live a little, it's not like he can use it to set anything on fire," April says nudging him.

"Except a few hearts and panties am I right," he continues, winking at Quinn who rolls her eyes and smirks a little.

"Alright," Dr. Schuester says, relenting. "But I'm watching you."

"Alright!" Puck says excitedly getting up to take the guitar From Schue.

"Okay, everyone grab an instrument and follow along with Finn and Puck here," April says. They Oblige, Brittany takes the tambourine, Tina takes the xylophone, Artie takes the tribal drum, Santana grabs the maraca, Jesse just sits there glaring and Rachel looks on in anticipation. And as Puck plays the tune on the guitar they all play in a discordant Harmony as Finn prepares to sing, looking at Rachel and nothing else.

_Junk of the heart is junk of my mind _  
><em> So hard to leave you all alone, <em>  
><em> We get so drunk that we can hardly see <em>  
><em> What use is that to you or me, baby<em>  
><em> See I notice nothing makes you shatter no no <em>  
><em> You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart, <em>  
><em> But are you mine? <em>

_ I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive, _  
><em> Let me make you happy, <em>  
><em> I wanna make you feel alive at night, <em>  
><em> I wanna make you happy <em>  
><em> If you're a good girl tonight<em>  
><em> Yeah <em>

_ A ship to be sunk, life is not a race, _  
><em> When I'm not happy I'm in disgrace <em>  
><em> So I spend time with guessing on you oh <em>  
><em> You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart, <em>  
><em> But are you mine? <em>

_ I wanna make you happy, _  
><em> I wanna make you feel alive, <em>  
><em> Let me make you happy, <em>  
><em> I wanna make you feel alive at night, <em>  
><em> I wanna make you happy<em>  
><em> If you're a good girl tonight. <em>  
><em> Yeah<em>

As the group chimes in with the la la las Rachel sits there, wide eyed and silent, and her face is beaming, and Finn feels pretty proud of himself because he didn't think there was anyway he would get through this. And he wonders if Rachel knows that this is more than just a song.

_ Still I notice nothing makes you shatter no no _  
><em> You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart. <em>  
><em> But are you mine? <em>

_ I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive, _  
><em> Let me make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night, <em>  
><em> I wanna make you happy,<em>  
><em> If you're a good girl tonight.<em>

As he finishes she is the first to applaud, standing up as she does. And he thinks there are tears in her eyes, but there can't be because there's no way that his voice could have the same affect on her as hers did on him, but she wipes her eyes and smiles her brilliant smile and he feels a bit like the man.

"Wow, that was fantastic," Rachel says, her voice broken.

"Yeah, that was actually pretty killer dude," Puck says, clapping him on the back. "You're like a rock star with problems, that's like kryptonite for the ladies." He's only interested in one, the one who's still smiling at him.

"I thought you struggled a lot on the higher notes," Jesse says coldly.

"Okay, great Job Finn," Dr. Schue says as he takes a seat next to Rachel and Puck returns his guitar. "Who's next?"

* * *

><p>He's decided, before the day is out he's going to kiss Rachel, he doesn't know how he'll pull it off with the orderlies around, but if he can get her alone for just five minutes then he can make it happen. She had a private session with her shrink right after music therapy, but he's willing to wait, he'll wait all day in the garden if he has to, so he waits. He doesn't mind it, he doesn't really feel like doing anything else anyway, and he likes watching the ducks, the way they circle the pond almost has a hypnotic effect, so much so that he forgets why he's there after awhile, reminded only when she finally plops down next to him.<p>

"Hi Finn," she says sweetly.

"Hey Rach," He replies in a tone that's almost approaching excitement.

"I loved your song," she says, linking her arm through his and resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm so glad you sang it, your voice is so raw and emotional. I think it will blend beautifully with mine."

"Thank you," he says, locking eyes with her, and he knows that it's time, Mike and Sam are chatting again and there's no one else around. It's now or never.

"Can you come with me somewhere?" he says, and she nods vigorously and takes his hand as he stands up from the bench, and he marches toward the back of the psych building where the wall is broken up by tall columns.

He darts his eyes back and forth as he backs her against the wall, on the lookout for orderlies. There don't seem to be any within immediate view, but he knows that he needs to hurry, they'll come eventually.

"Finn, why do you have me pressed up against the wall?" Rachel says, seeming more curious than offended.

"Um, I just... I wanted to thank you, you know... for today," he stammers. "For encouraging me."

"I should thank you," she says. "Your song was so beautiful."

"It was for you," he blurts, surprised at his confidence. "I was singing it for you, because, you know I think you're really pretty and nice and I like you and...

"And?" she says, her eyes wide, eager to hear more.

"And you make me smile," he says truthfully.

"I like your smile," she says, shrugging and playing with the buttons on his shirt. "You shouldn't hide it from the world Finn, it's okay to be happy sometimes."

"I guess, I just..." He can't keep talking, he has to do this now before somebody stops him, so he does, he leans in until his lips are on hers, and his hands are at her waist and her hands are on his shoulders and his tongue is in her mouth and she's letting his tongue be in her mouth and he's kissing her, he's kissing her the way he's wanted to do for three days that feel like three lifetimes. As he kisses her he finally realizes why he wanted it so much, her mouth is amazing, soft and sweet and warm and it feels so perfect under his and as he breaks the kiss it actually hurts a little to do so. But she's still holding him and she looks down and rests her forehead against his lips and he kisses her there too.

"You kissed me," she says quietly.

"Yeah," he says against her forehead, his eyes closed as he breathes the scent of her hair, blissful in her gentle embrace. he opens his eyes again as she moves away from him slightly, her hands still on his shoulders as she stares into his eyes.

"Can you do it again?" she asks.

"I can," he says his voice hoarse, and he does, the second kiss every bit as perfect and right as the first.

"You kiss like you mean it," she says breathlessly into his mouth.

"I _do_ mean it," he replies kissing her again, more softly this time, just once. And he sweeps her hair back, wanting to kiss her neck, but he stops short when he sees the scar again, the long, thin sliver tainting her beautiful skin. "Did they do this?" he asks, running his thumb over it. She bites her lip and nods tentatively. And he runs his lips over it, kissing it softly before pulling her into his embrace.

"I didn't want to tell Jesse," she whispers. "But he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop tearing into me, he just kept pushing and pushing until I finally just shouted it. But I didn't want to shout it, I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget."

"I'm sorry," he says, because he can't think of anything else to say.

"Is that how you feel?" she asks him. "Like you want to forget?"

"Sometimes."

"I meant it you know, I'm going to get you to tell me. But when I do I'm going to make sure it's because you want me to know," she says. "Is that okay Finn?"

"Yeah," he says. "That's okay." And he kisses her again, one last time before they come looking.

**Aww, they kissed! Song is Junk of the Heart by The Kooks, a song I'm currently obsessed with and would love for Finn to sing to Rachel on the show. Anywhoo, stay tuned folks.**


	7. Visiting Hours

It's weird isn't it? He thinks to himself as he smiles at Rachel in group, as she smiles back at him. This isn't the type of meet cute story you tell your grandkids. This wasn't the place to try to pick up chicks, he knows that, but she does strange things to him. The last three days had been a new experience to say the least. He kisses her every time they get a moment alone, which is rare in this place. Every time he kisses her it's as if he can't remember that there's anything wrong. Everything feels right when he kisses her, or holds her hand under the table during breakfast, or arts and crafts, or anywhere there's a table, or when she sits in his lap in the community room and he subtly runs his hand under her shirt to enjoy a none-too innocent touch. He wonders if she feels the same. He knows that she lives in a world of her own making, and that her fascination with him is probably largely random, but somehow he knows that she feels something too, something real, and it just makes all of this so much easier.

"Okay everyone," Dr. Pillsbury beams as she takes her seat in group. "I trust you all had a nice weekend."

"That's what you think," Santana says under her breath.

"Is there a problem Santana?" Dr. Pillsbury asks.

"Yeah, where does this fucking ho get off locking my girl Brit out of the room because she had a little bitch fit?" Santana fumes, pointing at Lauren.

"Santana I've told you several times that we don't address each other in that fashion," Dr. Pillsbury says sternly.

"Well if she doesn't want me to call her a ho then she should stop acting like a selfish ho," She says, raising her voice.

"Why don't you calm your tits Lopez," Lauren mumbles coolly as she bites her fingernails. "Brit-brit's a big girl, she can fight her own battles. If she wants back in the room she'll apologize for trying to get all up on this."

"Ever since I tried to touch her boobs she blocks the door with a chair," Brittany explains.

"Sorry blondie but I'm all about the cock," Lauren says.

"Lauren, you're not to barricade your door, it's against safety regulations," Dr. Pillsbury says. "And Brittany, what have I told you about the inappropriate touching?"

"It's inappropriate," Brittany answers.

"Besides baby girl, my tits are right here," Santana says pointing at her own chest.

"Alright, moving on," Dr. Pillsbury says, clearly uncomfortable. "Finn, how was your first weekend?"

"Um.. "He looks over at Rachel again, not meaning to but not able to help himself. "It was okay."

"Holy shit," Santana says. "I know that look, you two are fooling around aren't you?" Finn's face goes hot at the question and he slinks down in his seat, while Rachel simply crosses her arms in disapproval.

"Why would you imply such a thing?" Rachel says.

"Yeah, we wouldn't do that," Finn lies. "It's frowned upon or whatever."

"Rachel I am extremely disappointed in you," Jesse says. "I'd expect this sort of lewd behavior from Santana but certainly not you."

"Oh please, you're just pissed off because she dissed your dreamy ass," Santana says, to which Jesse glares at her menacingly.

"Once again we're getting off track," Dr. Pillsbury says, and Finn can tell that sexual issues aren't exactly her strong suit, probably why she opted to go into child psychology, at least he doesn't have to deal with a lecture in front of everyone. "Finn, Rachel we'll have words after group."

Crap, Finn thinks silently to himself. Somehow that's worse.

* * *

><p>He wants to hold her hand, and he can tell from the way she keeps glancing over at him that she wants to hold his too, but they can't, not with staff walking the halls and Dr. Pillsbury coming to let them have it.<p>

"I have your back Finn," Rachel whispers over to him, and he clears his throat nervously as Dr. Pillsbury meets them in the hall.

"So, I think it would be best if I just asked, is there any truth to what Santana was saying in there?" Dr. Pillsbury says bluntly.

"None at all," Rachel lies. "Santana just likes to get attention but I can assure you I'm quite familiar with the rules, I've been here the longest." Finn looks over at her, a little shocked, he certainly did not know that.

"And Finn can you confirm that?"

"Yes... or no, whichever one means we're not doing anything wrong," he says confusedly.

"Okay Rachel, why don't you go to your session, Dr. Schuester is ready for you," Dr. Pillsbury says, and Rachel obliges, giving him one last longing look before disappearing down the hall. And he watches her walk away even though he probably shouldn't.

"You like her don't you?" Dr. Pillsbury says, regaining his attention.

"Of course," he says. "I mean, she's...

"Special," Dr. Pillsbury says, finishing his sentence. "She's bright, she's extremely talented, she's..."

"Beautiful," Finn adds, not really helping his case, he never did have much of a filter, even now.

"Yes I suppose she is." Dr. Pillsbury agrees. "She's also a very troubled girl Finn, in ways I'm not sure you're prepared for."

"Look, I promise you nothing is going on, she's just my friend, that's all."

"Okay," she says, and he's not entirely certain if she believes him. "I just don't want to see one more good thing in her life fall apart, that's all," and at that she gives his arm a quick squeeze and leaves him with a warm smile.

So does that mean I'm a good thing? He thinks silently, knitting his brow in confusion.

* * *

><p>His knee bounces uncontrollably as he waits for them, it's been nearly a week since he last saw his family and he's not sure how to feel about it. He knows that he's better now, although that could very well be because he's forced to take his meds everyday, but it's different somehow. It's like he can feel things again, maybe not as strongly as he would otherwise, but the feelings are there, even if they're all for her. He wonders if they'll notice the change, what they'll say. His sessions with Dr. Schue are more of the same, he still doesn't want to talk about why he cut his wrists, he's not sure if he ever will, but that doesn't stop him from asking. For the first time in a long while he has something to feel good about, and he doesn't want to ruin it thinking about the bad things.<p>

His mother looks like she's been crying again, he wonders if she's stopped even once since she left him, and when he goes to hug her she cries more.

"Oh honey, how are you? How are you feeling? Are you okay?" She says as she hugs him, she just asked him the same question in three different ways, clearly things could be better.

"I'm okay mom," he assures her.

"You look good kid," Burt says, clapping him on the back. "You look really rested."

"Yeah, I am," Finn says, and they take their seats. "So, where's Kurt?"

Burt and Carole trade glances, and Finn knows the answer.

"So I'm guessing he still hasn't forgiven me," Finn says.

"He's just been so busy lately," Carole says. "You know he's starting college in the fall, there's still a lot to do," Finn simply scoffs, surprised she can't come up with anything better.

"He just needs time Finn," Burt says. "That's all."

"So, we spoke with Dr. Schuester," Carole says. "He recommends more time. He thinks you're still holding back in sessions and it's concerning him."

"Just because there's certain things I don't want to talk about doesn't mean I'm going to try to off myself again," Finn says.

"But don't you think it's unhealthy to keep everything all bottled up?" Burt says. "I mean, _we're_ not even sure what was in your head that day, but we know it wasn't just because you weren't taking your meds Finn."

"Do we have to make this visit about that?" Finn says shortly. "Can't we just have a talk?"

"Of course, if that's what you want," Carole says. "Have you met anyone interesting?"

He doesn't want to tell them about Rachel, because that will just lead to more questions he can't possibly answer. "My roommate Puck is a pyro," he says. "Ever since he was a kid, it started when he would cook his GI Joe dolls on the stove."

"Well that's not so bad, I used to do that too," Burt says.

"Yeah but you stopped at some point," Finn explains. "So, how's Kurt anyway?"

"Kurt's doing good, he's seeing someone actually," Burt says, and for some reason Carole shoots him a look as if he wasn't supposed to say anything.

"Anyone I know?" Finn says.

"No, why would you say that?" Carole replies, almost sounding defensive.

"It's just a figure of speech," Finn says, shrugging.

"Carole maybe we should just tell him," Burt says.

"Burt, Finn is in a really hard place right now he doesn't need more to deal with," she says under her breath, as if he can't hear her. "Besides-

"It's Blaine isn't it?" Finn cuts in, and they both look at him guiltily."He's the only other gay guy at school, who else could it be?"

"They've only been out a couple of times," Carole says, defeated. "And when I see them together they mostly talk about you."

"It's okay, I'm not mad. I'm not sure why you think I would be." Finn says, trying to convince himself more than them.

"Well I know you and Blaine used to be close," Burt says.

"And we're not anymore, so who he dates doesn't matter to me," Finn says shortly. "I just wish Kurt would have told me himself. But I guess I'm not his problem anymore."

"That's not true," Carole says. "Kurt loves you."

"Then why didn't he come?" Finn snaps. "You guys have every reason to hate me too but you're here, where the hell is Kurt? Oh that's right, off somewhere with my ex-best friend."

"Honey you have to calm down," Carole says. "Did you take your meds today?"

"Yes I took my meds!" Finn says, raising his voice, and as his mom flinches a bit he can't help but feel a little like crap.

"Mom, I'm sorry." Finn says, reaching out for her hand, relieved that she doesn't pull it away. "I just miss him I guess."

"We know, and whether you want to believe it or not he misses you too," Burt says. "But things aren't going to be better overnight Finn."

"Yeah," Finn agrees. "I know that."

* * *

><p>He doesn't talk to Rachel for the rest of the day, not because he doesn't want to see her, but more because he's in a shitty mood after the visit and he doesn't want to end up taking it out on her. He goes to sleep early, it's easy with the drugs.<p>

He thinks he's dreaming it at first, the extra weight on his body, the delicate fingers combing through his hair, the sweet, now familiar smell, but he opens his eyes and she's there, straddling his lap as he lies waking in bed and smiling down at him like a clinically insane angel.

"Rachel?" he says, his voice hoarse.

"Shh," she replies, putting her finger up to her lips, and she points over at Puck, snoring softly in the bed across the room.

"You're not supposed to be here," Finn says.

"Do I seem like someone who does what she's supposed to?" She says.

He gives her a small half smile. He's glad that she's here, even if he doesn't know why or how, even if she's not supposed to be. And he feels better now, the visit from his parents seems like a distant memory already, probably because he's still half asleep. "Come here," he says softly.

"Why, what are you gonna do?" she teases, biting her index finger.

"Just come here," he repeats, and she lowers herself onto him, allowing him to capture her lips in his and wrap his arms around her lithe body. The pills have mostly worn off and he feels her so much more strongly now as they kiss, something he didn't think was possible.

"Thank god, I thought you were mad at me," she says as she parts from him, making him miss the contact immediately.

"Why would I be mad at you?" He says.

"You didn't talk to me at all after your family came, and you looked so sad."

"Yeah, but that wasn't because of you, I promise."

"Why were you sad?" she says, lying down in bed next to him and propping her head up on her elbow.

"It's just a lot of stuff," he says vaguely. She doesn't look pleased.

"Finn, it's four AM, do you know what that means?"

"It means it's four AM," he says.

"No it means that it's my birthday," Rachel says.

"Really? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise," she says, shrugging.

"Now I feel bad, I didn't get you anything," he says, halfway jokingly.

"Well there is something you can do for me," Rachel says.

"Oh yeah, what's that?" he says lacing his fingers through her hair and leaning up to kiss her softly.

"You can be honest with me for once Finn," she says into his parted lips, not angrily.

"What are you talking about, I'm always honest," he lies as his head falls back onto the pillow.

"You're always vague, and evasive and it's starting to hurt my feelings. I can understand that you don't want to talk about this..." she continues, touching his half-healed wrist. "But that doesn't mean that you have to hide _everything_ from me."

Her face looks stern but sympathetic, and he knows that she's right, he hasn't told her one true thing about himself, or his family, or his problems, and he can see why that would hurt her, especially after everything she shared with him.

"My stepbrother didn't come visit me today," he finally says. "And to top it all off he's dating my best friend... or my former best friend. And I guess I just felt sort of hurt, that he won't even try."

"Was that so hard?" she says.

"There's more," he admits. "I understand why he didn't come visit me."

"Why?" She says.

"He's part of the reason I'm here."

**Stay tuned folks!**


	8. Wounded Hearts

He has to find it, he knows it's here somewhere, and he doesn't care if he has to tear the whole room to shreds. The tears are hot on his face as he pulls the books down from the shelves. He knows it's here and as soon as he finds it everything will be okay again. His heart is pounding and his hands are shaking and he can barely see straight, but he has to focus, he has to remember.

"Finn, what the hell are you doing?" Kurt's voice barely registers as Finn leaves the bookcase and heads to the couch. haphazardly flipping the cushions off of it.

"I can't believe I lost it," Finn says, his voice wracked with tears.

"Lost what, Finn? What's going on?" Kurt says, concerned.

"My book, I had it last night and now it's gone, my whole life was in there."

"Your book, you've destroyed our living room over a book?"

"What if I lost it?" Finn says, still crying, pacing the room now and pulling at his hair like a madman. "I can't just rewrite 48 songs Kurt, and I just have all of these ideas and nowhere to write them."

"Finn you have to calm down," Kurt says, approaching him tentatively. "You're freaking out."

"Of course I'm freaking out!" Finn snaps, upending the coffee table in one quick move, making Kurt flinch.

"Finn," Kurt says, trying to stay calm, raising his hands gingerly. "When's the last time you took your pills?"

"It was Blaine, I know it, he came into my house and stole my book, we have to go, you have to drive me," Finn says frantically, ignoring Kurt. "We have to confront him."

"It wasn't Blaine would you please relax? You're starting to scare me."

"Why are you always defending him? You even took his side when he kicked me out of the band."

"That's not true, I asked him to take you back, he couldn't be reasoned with. Besides, you broke his guitar, I think he was within his rights."

"And I'm your brother," Finn argues. "You should be on my side no matter what."

"I am on your side, but not when you're being crazy."

"I'm not crazy!" Finn yells, screams, right in Kurt's face, making his stepbrother take a terrified step back. Finn then collapses on the uncushioned couch, rocking back and forth, muttering nonsense, pulling at his hair, and against his better judgement Kurt steps up to him carefully, still afraid but more afraid for Finn than himself. He puts his hand on Finn's overheated shoulder, feeling his entire body shake.

"Finn, you can't do this, you can't just stop taking your medication."

"I didn't take them yesterday, I was fine." Finn reasons, his voice almost too low to make out.

"Yesterday was a good day, but Finn that's not always going to be the case, your doctor said-

"Are you going to take me to Blaine's or what?" Finn snaps, cutting Kurt off.

"Finn, I'm not going to do this with you, not when you're acting this way."

"Goddamn it!" Finn cries, shooting up from the couch, towering over the shorter boy. "Why do you always have to be such a fag?"

"What the hell did you call him?" At the sound of Burt's voice Finn snaps his attention to the walkway.

"He didn't mean it dad, he's off his meds again," Kurt says, sounding more hurt then he probably wants to let on.

"I'm out of here, if you won't help me I'll get it back myself," Finn says, starting out.

"No, no way," Burt says firmly, stopping him at the front. "You and I are going to have a talk, now you sit your butt down right now."

"Get out of my way Burt," Finn seethes.

"You're not going anywhere this is-

"Get out of my way!"

It happens before he even realizes it, before he can stop himself. Suddenly his fist is buried in the drywall and Burt's face is agape in horror, he dodged it just in time, thankfully, but they all know what's happening, they all know what he was aiming for.

"Oh my god," Finn whispers, knowing that everything is going to be very different from then on.

* * *

><p>"They just stopped talking to me after that," Finn says, tears in his throat. "They didn't know what to say, they wanted to hate me but they couldn't because I was sick. I wanted them to hate me, I wanted them to yell at me and call me names, but they didn't, they just avoided me, like they didn't know what to do anymore."<p>

He pauses and Rachel rubs his chest, silently urging him on.

"So one day I decided to just do it, I decided that I couldn't live that way anymore. I didn't want to be that person, I didn't want to hurt anyone, especially not them. But I had so many good days off the pills, I felt like myself again for once, the self I liked. And I thought that maybe I could control it, maybe everything would be okay, but it wasn't, it wasn't okay. I knew then that I would never really be the same person anymore I was just this monster who took a swing at his stepdad and I just felt like there was no way out of it, there was no getting away from that person."

"So you tried to hurt yourself," Rachel deduced.

"I could see it on their faces, how much everyone was suffering because of me, I just thought it would be better if I weren't around."

As he finishes he expects her to be disgusted, to leave without another word, shaking her head at him. But she doesn't, she combs his hair with her fingers and kisses him softly on the cheek, tasting his tears. and he turns his head to meet her lips with his, and she kisses him back, tenderly, without fear. She was right, she did get him to tell her, even if he didn't realize he was doing it, and she doesn't hate him, she understands him.

"How can you even look at me right now?" Finn says as she breaks the kiss, his voice still thick with hushed sobs.

"Because Finn," she says, and she climbs back on top of him, straddling his lap and touching his face with her delicate fingers. "I see you."

"You see me?" he repeats not sure if he understands what she's saying, and she nods.

"Finn, what you did, it wasn't here," she says placing her hand over his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "It wasn't because of this. I see you, and I see how much you love them."

"I do, I love them more then anything," he agrees.

"And they love you too," she says. "Do you know how I know?"

"How?"

"Because I know what it's like to love you Finn, it's the easiest thing in the world," she says, shrugging like it really is the easiest thing in the world.

He's a little taken aback, but her face and her voice are so sincere, so open, and he knows.

"I love you too," he says, without hesitation.

"You do?"

He nods, "I don't really know what that love means, or where it came from or how it happened so fast, but I know it's there, it's real Rachel."

She kisses him again, and he holds her, not wanting to let her go. Her body is so soft and small in his arms, and he loves her, he really does, and it's new and exciting and scary as hell and he wouldn't trade it for anything. And as she sits up, breaking the kiss, she puts her hand on his heart again, feeling its beat. And he holds her hand in his.

"What did it feel like?"

"What?"

"When you tried to kill yourself, how did it feel?"

Nobody has ever asked him that, not even Dr. Schue, it was all about the whys with them.

"I don't know, I guess I felt a sort of... relief, like when I was bleeding all over the floor I could feel everything bad in my life flowing out of my veins... but at the same time it was like..."

"What?" she says.

"I don't know, like the good stuff was flowing out too."

"Good stuff? Like what?"

"Like my family, and my friends, and music, and all of that stuff was fractured but it wasn't really gone, no matter how bad things got there was always that little bit of hope that things would be okay again. And I know it sounds weird but part of me wanted that hope to be gone, because I knew that I couldn't really trust it."

He realizes he's crying again. "It hurt, it hurt a lot, but I couldn't stop myself," he continues. She laces her fingers through his and lifts his hand and he feels a mild, not unpleasant sting as she presses her lips to the place on his wrist that the jagged shard of glass had been a week ago, kissing it, soothing it.

"How do you feel now?" she says.

He smiles at her, pulling one corner of his mouth up and letting the smile reach his prickly eyes. "Like maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that Burt found me."

"It was a good thing, a very good thing. You're kind and good. You have a strong heart Finn," she says. "Strong enough to overcome anything that's wrong here," she continues poking him playfully in the forehead, making him smile through his tears.

"You could have Dr. Schue's job in a second," he jokes.

She smiles and kisses him again, "I have to go," she says between quick, sweet kisses.

"Don't go," he says, grabbing her wrist gently. "Stay."

"I have to get some sleep, my dads are coming for my birthday, and I want to look and feel my very best, but I'll save you a seat at breakfast okay," and before he can protest she kisses him again and scrambles off of his bed, disappearing as quickly as she came.

"You know if she's going to sneak in here you can at least take advantage," Puck says sleepily. "Especially with that sob story of yours, you totally could have gotten a pity lay out of that."

Finn doesn't answer with words, he hurls his pillow at his eavesdropping roommate and smirks to himself. Breakfast can't come soon enough.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	9. People Who Need People

He doesn't know why he can open up to Rachel so easily and still keep everything locked away with Dr. Schue. He knows that the sooner he talks about what happened the sooner he can go home, and it's not as if he doesn't want to go home, he hates this place, he hates the staff treating him like a five year old, he hates the way Puck talks in his sleep about weird, sexual things, he hates the food, barring s'more poptarts of course, he hates the smell, he hates Santana always yelling about everything, he hates Jesse... well he just kind of hates Jesse period. But he loves_ her_, in this place it feels like Rachel and Finn against the world, and even when the day comes that he can finally leave he's going to make sure that he's always there for her, he'll come see her every day if he has to, until she gets better and they can be together, Finn and Rachel against the real world. He realizes that he hasn't talked in the last five minutes when Dr. Schuester clears his throat and Finn is snapped out of his wandering thoughts.

"So, Finn, tell me about what some of your plans are for after your release, have you thought about that at all?"

He actually has thought about it, he'll visit Rachel everyday, have a heart to heart with Kurt, start saving his money to buy a new guitar for Blaine, better than the one he already replaced the smashed one with, write about twenty new songs in the span of a month, they're all in his head they just need to be on paper, look into music programs in the Ohio community colleges, he thinks one day he might make a good music teacher, but he hears that music teachers usually teach something else as well, he's terrible at the academic stuff, but he's good at sports, and he's good at fixing cars, and he's good at building things, he can teach those things as well, hug his mom, go to a game with Burt, go to one of Blaine's shows, think silently that he's way better than the new drummer, maybe find a way to get back in with the band, even if he just lets them use his songs sometimes, write a song for Rachel, write ten songs for Rachel, make love to Rachel over and over again, for hours at a time...

He doesn't tell Dr. Schuester any of this, because every time he thinks about this stuff he pushes it out of his head immediately, he doesn't want to have plans that he'll only screw up in the long run just like everything else, and he sucks at the drums when he's on his meds, he can't keep up with the quick rhythms, and Burt and Kurt both hate him, and his mother is afraid of him, and he can't teach anybody anything because he's a dumbass, and Rachel will probably forget about him the second he leaves...

"Finn, is there anything that you wanted to say?" Dr. Schuester continues, once again snapping him out of his stupor.

"I don't know, I think about the future I guess, just like everyone. Sometimes I'm in it sometimes I'm not."

"Do you mean to say you still have thoughts of harming yourself?" Dr. Schue asks carefully.

"Not so much doing it, just how life would go on without me," Finn says, shrugging a little.

"And how do you feel when you think about things like that?"

"I don't know, it's different every time, sometimes I think things will be better if I weren't around but sometimes..."

"Go on."

"Sometimes I think everyone would be really sad, like blame themselves, or miss me, you know, the way I used to be before."

"They _would_ miss you Finn, but they wouldn't just miss the version of yourself you like the most, they would miss everything about you, even the more difficult parts."

"That doesn't make any sense," Finn says, letting out a low sigh.

"Right now I want you to think about someone you really care about, someone you love, can you do that?"

He can, and he thinks of her immediately, her face, her laugh, her voice, her lips against his, and he nods silently.

"Now if that person fell off the deep end, frustrated you, scared you, hurt themselves, would you miss them any less if they weren't around anymore?"

He knits his brow in contemplation, and he can't answer right away, because as fucked up as Rachel is in so many ways he can't help but love everything about who she is, and he knows his answer.

"No, no I wouldn't," Finn finally says.

"I want you to reflect on that before our next session," Dr. Schue says. "Also, before you go I have some good news, we're going to start you on some new medications, it's a dosage that has tested very well in clinical trials across the US, I've already cleared it with your parents, now we just need to have your consent."

His interest is piqued immediately and a million questions come to him at the same time.

"The side effects..." Finn says, starting with the most important.

"The potential side effects are roughly similar to your current combination of mood stabilizers but the periods of lethargy have been shown to be significantly fewer and less intense. I have some information that I wanted you to look over," Dr. Schuester continues, handing him some pamphlets. "I just want to make sure you know what you'll be dealing with before you sign on to anything."

He looks at the pamphlets thoughtfully and looks back up at Dr. Schue. "Thank you for this," Finn says sincerely.

"You're very welcome Finn."

And with that Finn gets up from his seat and leaves him with a small smile and a see you tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Arts and crafts is far from Finn's favorite activity, he can't draw like Quinn, and he doesn't like drawing enough to want to do it anyway, Puck isn't very good but he loves to draw boobs, and Tina makes cool, freaky papier maiche masks that she likes to wear sometimes in group therapy, she even gave one to Mike the orderly, a skull mask that he hid away in his cart and took home with him after his shift. They all think maybe if things were very different Mike and Tina might make a cute couple. Usually in arts and crafts Finn likes to write down lyrics, he writes them in different colors so it looks like he's doing something more visual, Rachel showed him that, she likes to write lyrics too, only in elegant script with pretty flowers and gold stars in the margins. He can't make cool masks or draw, but he thinks he might have a handle on making jewelry, all he really needs to do is string together a bunch of beads in a nice pattern. The lyrics he wrote for her are nice but they don't seem like enough for a sweet 16. She isn't in the craft room today, after breakfast she took off by herself to prepare for her dads arriving, now she's in the visitor's quarters waiting for them. Once she's finished with her visit he'll surprise her with the bracelet and tell her about the song he plans to sing to her on tuesday, he thinks she'll like the star shaped beads, he can tell she has a thing for gold stars by the way she's always drawing them. He puts a closure on the end of the bracelet and admires his work. He feels a bit like a girl but he thinks she'll like it.<p>

"Fuck you! Fuck You! Fuck all of you!" Oh no, he thinks to himself as he hears loud crashing and the sound of Santana's enraged screaming coming down the halls. They all scramble up immediately and race to the community room, where sure enough Mike and Sam are restraining her as she struggles and kicks.

"You can't do this to me! You can't fucking do this to me!" She sobs powerfully.

"Santana it's okay," Brittany says gently, approaching the other girl. He's not sure who the other two adults in the room are but they are older, concerned looking and look a good deal like Brittany.

"What's going on?" Finn whispers over to Artie.

"Brittany's parents are taking her home, she's being released," Artie says.

"That a good thing though, right?" Finn says confusedly.

"_Brittany_ is going home," Artie says. "Santana's staying here," and finally he gets it, and even moreso when Santana breaks free from Mike and Sam and crosses the room to embrace her lover, crying bitterly and touching her hair and kissing her over and over, paying no mind to who's watching.

"I love you Brittany please don't go," Santana sobs.

"I love you, too," Brittany says, her voice breaking as they hug. "But it's time for me to go home now."

"No," Santana says, shaking her head and hugging Brittany tighter.

"Brittany, honey it's time to leave," the older woman that Finn assumes is Brittany's mother says, firmly as she tries in vain to physically part the two girls.

"Let go Honey," Brittany's dad chimes in, finally managing to get Brittany away from Santana with the help of his wife, Sam and Mike.

"You're a fucking bitch!" Santana yells as Sam and Mike try to get her back to her room and Brittany's parents guide her out. "Both of you are nothing but fucking cunts!"

"I'm sorry Santana," Brittany says, looking utterly broken, tears in her eyes. "I love you forever okay?"

"I love you too," Santana sobs. "Don't ever forget about me because I'll kill you if you do."

"I'll never forget you."

"I love you Brittany." and as they both disappear from the room, Brittany and her parents through the exit, Santana and the orderlies down the hall, Finn's heart breaks a little.

"Okay, back to what you were doing, nothing to see here," Nurse Jones says firmly and they reluctantly oblige.

* * *

><p>It's been hours, Finn thinks silently as he sits in the community room, visiting hours are almost up and she's still in there. He wonders what they could be talking about in there for that long, he supposes it's been a long time since her dads last came to visit. He checks the wall clock, visiting hours will be over in five minutes, then he'll give Rachel her gift and they'll spend the rest of her birthday together, he wants to talk about Brittany and Santana, about what would happen if either of them left, but before he says anything he just wants to kiss her and tell her how much he loves her. He checks the clock again, visiting hours have been over for three minutes, where the hell is she?<p>

He finally gets up from the chair and heads to the visiting quarters, he didn't want to butt in on her family bonding but now there's nothing stopping him. He looks back and forth across the room, Tina is hugging her parents goodbye at the door but other than that the room looks empty.

"Have you seen Rachel?" Finn asks Tina as her parents take their leave, he expects a shrug since Tina isn't exactly helpful verbally, but instead she points to the far corner of the room and he looks once again, surprised that he didn't spot her there before. But upon further inspection he can see why, she's already tiny, but the way she's slouching down in the chair facing the window makes her nearly disappear. He approaches her slowly and takes a seat next to her, instantly startled by her appearance, her face is completely blank and sad, almost scarily so, and a party hat sits pathetically askew on her limp hair. He reaches out slowly and places a hand on her shoulder, to which she doesn't respond.

"Rachel?" he says softly.

"They didn't come," she says in a voice so low he can barely understand her.

"What?"

"I waited all day, I just sat here waiting and they didn't come. They didn't come for my birthday."

"I'm, I'm so sorry Rachel." he says sympathetically, squeezing her shoulder.

"They don't love me anymore, they've moved on," she says.

"I'm sure that's not true," he says. "How could they not love you, how could anyone not love you?"

"I'm not their little girl anymore, after what those men did, they can't even look at me," she says miserably, her voice breaking.

"Rach-

"I've been here for six months, they've never come to see me," she says, crying now, and he pulls her tiny body into his embrace and strokes her back and she puts her arms around his shoulders and cries into his neck.

"I'm sure there's some sort of explanation, I mean..." and he trails off, because he can't think of one, he can't think of any reason why anybody would abandon someone so wonderful and kind. "Hey, I made you a present," he continues lamely, bacause he can't think of anything else to say.

"You did?" she says, sitting up and wiping her eyes.

"Yeah," he says, reaching into his pocket and taking out the tissue paper wrapped bracelet, and she opens it.

"It's beautiful," she says quietly.

"I wrote you a song too, I thought I would sing it for you in music therapy."

"I'm sorry, I'm sure you're very talented, but you must know how many fans write me songs, there simply isn't enough time in the day to listen to them all, but I encourage you to keep writing."

He knits his brow in confusion, not sure what exactly is going on.

"But thank you so much for the bracelet, it's the nicest gift I've gotten from a fan in some time."

"Rachel I-

"I'm sorry I really must go, curtains in twenty and I have to warm up, but I truly hope you enjoy the show darling, it's going to be fabulous," at that she gets up from her chair and starts away, leaving him in utter confusion as she begins to sing as she leaves the room.

"_People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world..._"

He sits there, not sure what to do, whether he should go after her, whether it would make any difference if he did, it was Rachel who was miserable and needed to be comforted, not Barbra.

* * *

><p>He barely gets to sleep that night, but once he does it's short lived, he wakes up and checks the wall clock. It's 2:30 am and Puck is fast asleep. He's only slept for two hours, but he doesn't feel groggy at all, he feels energized, weirdly energized. He knows that the medication wears off at around midnight most days, but the fact that he's usually sleeping makes it a non-issue, but tonight is different, he's wide awake. He feels restless, desperate, scattered, and above all he feels like seeing her. Without thinking he climbs out of bed and approaches the door, if Rachel can sneak into his room without a problem then he should be able to sneak into hers. He opens the door carefully and pokes his head out into the hallway, the lights are out and there are no staff members close by enough to spot him, he darts out of there without a second thought before one of the nurses can make their way back. He quickly but silently tiptoes down the hall, checking behind him a couple of times before he finally reaches his destination. Santana and Rachel are both fast asleep, and he approaches her bed quietly, planning to wake her gently, he doesn't want to startle her. She looks so beautiful and peaceful as she sleeps, he almost doesn't want to wake her, but he has to. He runs his fingers through her soft hair and bends down to press a soft kiss to her forehead, then her still lips.<p>

"Wake up beautiful," he says softly against her mouth, and his face breaks into a big smile as her big eyes flutter open.

"Are you Rachel or Barbra?" he asks playfully as she wakes up.

"Finn?" she says, her voice a bit hoarse.

"Hey, I know it's late but I just had to talk to you, I missed you so much yesterday," he whispers as loudly and energetically as he can without waking Santana.

"I missed you too, but Finn I really don't think-

"Get up," he says excitedly, interrupting her, shaking her a bit by the shoulders.

"What?"

"Get up, get out of bed," He continues. "But you have to hurry or we're going to get caught."

"Why, what's going on?"

He gives her a mischievous smile and kisses her again, "We're getting out of here Rachel, if your dads won't come to you then we'll go to them."

**Yes, I realize that it was a little extreme to have Santana threaten to kill Brittany, but you must remember that she's pretty insane, and I never said that theirs was a healthy relationship. Anyway, will Rachel leave with Finn? will they get caught? As always, stay tuned folks!**


	10. Wildly Impulsive Behavior

**Sorry for the wait. I was pretty blocked on this chapter**

He holds her hand tightly in his as he peers out the door, making sure the coast is clear, he looks behind his shoulder at Rachel, whose eyes are wide with apprehension and he brings the back of her hand up to his lips and kisses it softly, making her face break out in to a guarded smile.

"You trust me right?" he whispers, and she nods and moves in closer to him.

"I trust you."

"I promise we'll be back before they even know were gone."

She looks excited and afraid at the same time, sort of the way he feels, and the way she squeezes his hand lets him know that he can't let anything happen to her. He checks again, the coast is clear but it won't be for long. He has a plan and if he doesn't stick to it perfectly everything will be ruined.

"Okay, time to go," he says, darting out quickly, she follows closely behind, not hesitating, clinging to him like her life depends on it. And they run, swiftly and silently. The laundry is easy enough to find, it's one of the only rooms they don't bother to lock.

"Here, put this on," he says, grabbing a green scrub top and tossing it to her.

"Do you really think this will work?" Rachel says, pulling the scrub top over her head.

"My mom's old boyfriend used to work graveyard shift at this place, everyone's so out of it this time of the morning they barely notice anything, he once told me a story about this 83 year old man who sleepwalked right out the door, they found him wandering in the parking lot." He explains as he puts on his own scrub top. "We'll get out through the emergency room, they'll just think we're a couple of staff members going on a smoke break. If we get caught the worst they can do to us is send us back to our rooms and tighten up security from now on."

"Wow, that's really smart," She says almost giddily.

"Actually it's just dumb enough to work," he says, grabbing her small hand. "Come on."

The lights are mostly shut off and the halls are bathed in shadows. They make their way toward the door, their hearts beating so furiously they can almost hear them. They still instantly as they hear one of the night staff passing behind them, and Finn looks behind his shoulder, she passes without noticing them and they both breath a sigh of relief before silently exiting the ward. There are a few doctors and nurses wandering the halls, none of them work in the psych ward so there's no real threat of being recognized, still, it's completely nerve wracking.

"Maybe we shouldn't hold hands, two doctors just randomly holding hands would seem rather odd wouldn't it?" Rachel says, reluctantly letting go of Finn's hand. He misses the contact immediately, but he knows she's right. "Should we risk taking the elevator?"

"No, everyone does, we'll take the stairs," Finn says, starting toward the stairwell at the end of the hall. They enter it and Finn closes the door behind him, and exhales again, surprised they managed to make it as far as they did. He takes another breath before moving on, but before he can take another step she has thrown her thin arms around his neck and pressed her soft, full lips to his. He's caught off guard by it, but he doesn't protest, he grabs her around the waist and pulls her close, letting her kiss him and kissing her back, moving his lips over hers and sucking a little. He knows he can't waste too much time so he reluctantly pulls away, taking in a bit of the breath that she's stolen.

"This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." she says, still holding him. "I love you."

"I love you too," he says. "But we have to go." He takes her hand and they descend the stairs together. Once they reach the first floor it's easier than either of them expected to quietly slip out through the emergency room, they run at that point, in no particular direction, they just need to get as far away from the hospital as possible. Once they're a safe distance away they finally stop to breath. Their chests hammer and their lungs burn, but they've never felt better.

"Okay, I guess this is a good a time as any to ask where they live, I'm hoping it's walking distance," Finn pants.

"It's about a mile from here, come on Finn," at that point they continue to walk together hand in hand. He follows her, looking over at her every once in awhile, watching her smile.

"I'm so excited Finn, it's been so long since I've seen them, I miss them so much."

"I'm sure they miss you too," He says, he decides not to bring up the fact that they didn't visit her on her birthday, no point in upsetting her for no reason.

They walk for awhile, Rachel talking the whole time, going over what she's going to say to them, asking Finn if she looks okay, telling fond stories, and he listens. He feels better now, less frantic, more focused if only on his insane goal, but he's clear enough to worry a little after they've walked for the better part of fifteen minutes without running into any residential areas. In fact there doesn't seem to be much of anything on this path, the mile is up and there are no houses anywhere in sight. Only what looks like a lot of trees and a wrought iron gate, it looks like a park or, upon further inspection a...

"Um, Rachel, are we going the right way?" he says carefully. As they make their way toward the gate.

"Yeah, we're here actually," she says excitedly, and the hairs stand up on the back of his neck as he realizes where here is.

"Do one of your dads work here," he says as they enter, Lima cemetery, he's never been here, the only person he's ever known to die is his father, who lays to rest in an urn. "Is he like an undertaker or something?"

"No, one's a CPA and the other was an ACLU Lawyer but he quit to open a bakery."

"Then why would they be here?" he says confusedly.

"Because this is where they live now," she says. And suddenly he gets it, why they didn't come to visit her, why Rachel was institutionalized for so long, all of it. The people who attacked Rachel didn't hurt her dads, they did something much much worse and the thought of it makes his heart feel like it's stopped beating.

"Rachel maybe this was a bad idea, he says, his voice breaking.

"Nonsense," she says. "Now stay close Finn, the lighting's atrocious here."She walks ahead of him and he stands there, completely at a loss for what to do. He knew that Rachel was sick, she wouldn't have been in that place if she weren't, but he had no idea, he had no idea about any of this, and apparently neither did she. Did she know why they were here? Did she even know that they were dead? He snaps out of his panicked thoughts when she calls after him, crying that she's found her destination. He follows her voice, the streetlights doing very little to guide him to her. He stops when he sees her silhouette, and tears spring to his eyes as he sees her, sitting in front of the headstone, waiting, _waiting for what?_ he wondered. He sits next to her quietly and puts a careful hand on her shoulder.

"Rach?" he says carefully. "What are we doing?"

"We're waiting," she whispers. "They should be here soon." He looks intently at the Gravestone reading _Leroy and Hiram Berry, beloved Fathers and sons, gone too soon, forever in our hearts_, and he cries, silently and bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" She says softly.

"Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he cries. "I didn't know."

"Didn't know what?" she says, as if nothing's wrong.

"That they..." he trails off, not knowing what to say. "Rachel, what is it that your waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for my dads to come home Finn," she says, confirming his fears. "I can't wait for you to meet them, they're going to love you." And he only cries more at that point, his breathing sharp and panicked, what can he say to her? What can he possibly say to her?

"Finn, please don't cry," she says, wiping a stray tear with her gentle hand, and without a moment's hesitation he takes her into his arms, holding her tightly, rocking her and whispering softly into her ear, whispering that he loves her and that he's sorry.

"Finn, please tell me why you're sad," Rachel says, her voice concerned as she strokes his hair gently. "I don't understand."

"Rachel they're not coming," he manages to choke out as he parts from her. "Your dads, they're..."

"Rachel thank God," they sharply turn their gaze to the source of the voice, and they both have to squint a bit at the flashlight shining in their faces, it's hard to see past the glow of the flashlight, but it's a woman, a slender woman with dark hair and a voice that would be pleasant and sweet if it weren't strangled with worry and anger. "What the hell is going on here? How did you get out of the hospital? And who's this?"

"Aunt Shelby," Rachel says. "How did you find me?"

"The hospital called me, they were doing their rounds and they they noticed you weren't in your room, and neither was he, this is the first place I thought to look. Did you put her up to this?" She says, turning her attention to Finn, flashing the light in his eyes and making him squint.

"We were going to go back, we weren't trying to escape I just wanted to take her to see her dads for her birthday," he says.

"Honey, why didn't you call me? I could have gotten you a day pass if you wanted to visit." Shelby says, her voice softening as she kneels down next to Rachel.

"They were supposed to come see me," Rachel says sadly. "If they weren't going to come they should have told me."

Shelby's face falls at Rachel's words and he knows that this isn't the first time she's been through this with Rachel. "Honey, I know that you're having a really hard time dealing with all of this, but the sooner you can admit to yourself what happened the sooner you can get better and come home with me."

"I don't want you, I want them," Rachel protests. "Where are they? They should be here, it's almost three."

"Rachel!" Shelby snaps. "They're dead honey, they died six months ago, they're buried under the ground you're sitting on." He can tell by her voice that she's sympathetic and just frustrated, but still he can't help but want to smack this woman for being so careless with Rachel's fragile emotions.

"It's true Rachel," Finn says, still choked up. "They're gone baby."

"What are you guys talking about?" she says, her voice distraught. "What do you mean they're buried?"

"You were here you were right here when we buried them," Shelby explains.

"No," Rachel says, panicked, and before they realize what's happening she's tearing away at the grass and the dirt, clawing, digging frantically. "They can't be buried they can't breath under there, how could you let this happen?" she says, sobbing as she digs.

"Rachel, stop," Finn says, as they both try to grab her, stop her. "You have to stop this." He finally gets a good handle on the small, crying girl but he can't keep her still as she thrashes in his tight grasp and kicks as Shelby grabs her legs.

"Let go Finn, let go of me, I have to get them out! I have to help them!" She cries.

"Honey you have to go back to the hospital," Shelby says, trying to stay calm and clearly failing.

"No! Let me go, let me- He's lost his tight grip on her and before he can stop it she's jerked away, hitting her head hard on the stone, making his heart seize in his chest.

"Ow!" She cries, sobbing and holding the back of her head. "Owowow!"

"Oh no, oh my God Rachel," Finn says, gathering the small girl into his arms and swaying her gently as she cries. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about all of this, I never should have brought you here, I'm sorry."

"We have to get her out of here, she has to go back." Shelby says. She's still now, letting Finn hold her, but still crying bitterly into his neck.

"I know," Finn says. "I know she does."

**Once again, I promise my next story will be happy, in fact, this one will be too, in the end anyway. Stay tuned folks.**


	11. Something To Live For

He keeps his head down as he reenters the hospital with Rachel and Shelby. The ride was short and quiet. He knew that Shelby was buzzing with questions with the way she kept glancing back at them as he held Rachel, but mercifully she kept them to herself.

"Oh Finn, honey are you okay?" Carole says greeting her son with a hug

"I'm fine mom, It was just a minor episode but I'm okay now," he assures her, telling only the half truth.

"What the hell were you thinking about huh?" Burt chimes in, but Finn barely notices, his attention going straight to Kurt, who's clearly trying not to look at him.

"Are you okay?" Kurt says quietly.

"Yeah Kurt," Finn says. "It's great to see you man." And he pulls Kurt into a hug, a little embarrassed when he stills a little and keeps his arms at his sides. He releases him quickly, noticing the way he smiles weakly and takes a step back.

"I'm glad," Kurt says simply.

"You're unbelievable," Rachel says judgmentally, her voice hoarse from sobbing, and he thinks she's talking to Kurt.

"I'm sorry," Kurt says confusedly. "I don't believe I know you."

"Why won't you hug your brother?" Rachel says tearfully. "He almost died, you almost lost him forever, but he's here, alive and he loves you and you won't even hug him back."

"Rachel it's okay," Finn says gently.

"No it isn't okay!" she snaps, making everyone's eyes go wide in shock.

"Rachel, honey you have to come with me now," Shelby says, trying to control her niece, but she breaks free and crashes into Finn, wrapping her arms around his waist, he tentatively returns the embrace, and looks at the faces of his mother, Kurt, Burt, and Shelby, they're about what he expects.

"Rach-

"My dads are dead Finn," she cries into his chest, interrupting him.

"I-I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He says, holding her and stroking her hair, no longer caring that they're watching or what they must think.

"Please don't ever leave me like they did," she says desperately. and she pulls away from him, looking intensely into his eyes. "Promise me you'll never try to hurt yourself again, can you promise me that? No matter how bad you think things are, just please don't ever hurt yourself like that again."

"I promise," he says, and he's crying now too, and cupping her beautiful face with his hands."I'll never be that stupid again, ever."

"Rachel come on we have to get you checked back in," Shelby says taking her hand, she follows this time keeping her eyes locked on Finn as she enters the hospital.

"Finn do you want to tell me whats going on?" Burt says, pointing after Rachel. "Are you involved with that girl?"

There's nothing he can say, he doesn't want to lie to them, but the truth seems tricky to say the least. He looks down at his feet and looks back up at them. "She's just... it's complicated."

"Finn we sent you here to get better, not pick up chicks," Burt continues.

"I don't understand what's going on with you Finn, are you really this starved for attention?" Kurt says.

"That's not what this is about," Finn protests.

"Then what is it about," Carole says. "Because I'm trying really hard to understand why you'd run off with some crazy girl you met a week ago."

"She's not crazy," Finn says firmly.

"What's really going on with this girl Finn? Tell me the truth" Burt says softly.

"I don't know, I just, I care about her."

"That is such bull, you don't care about anyone Finn," Kurt spits.

"Kurt-

"No Carole," he says, tearfully, interrupting his step-mother. "I'm your brother, and you didn't even think about how I would get along without you, you didn't even care."

"That's not true."

"Then why? Why didn't you talk to me? I could have helped you, I wanted to help you Finn but you never let me in, not once. But you'll talk to her right?" he continues, gesturing in the direction Rachel walked away.

"Kurt I'm sorry, I didn't..."

"It doesn't matter," Kurt interrupts, blinking back tears. "I'm just glad you're okay," and he turns on his heel without another word and stalks back toward the parking lot, Burt following behind him.

"He'll come around Finn," Carole says.

"He's right," Finn says. "I didn't think about any of you when I did what I did, except maybe that you'd be better off without me."

"How could you possibly think that?" Carole says.

"Because I tried to hit Burt, so hard that my hand went through a wall. A good person doesn't do that."

"You were sick."

"That's what you kept telling yourself but I saw the way you looked at me mom, like you were afraid of me. And you wouldn't talk to me, any of you."

"I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry," Carole says pulling him into her embrace, and he hugs her back. "I didn't know, but I was there, you should have told me."

"I know mom, I know. I'm sorry," he says as he hugs her. "And I wasn't trying to run away, I promise, we were going to come back."

"I believe you, just please don't ever scare me like that again."

* * *

><p>He knows that Dr. Schue is going to give him hell that morning, he prepares for it. He doesn't know what all of this will mean for him and Rachel, whether they'll just keep a closer eye on them from now on or something more drastic. He feels like shit, it's because of him that Rachel won't stop crying, he knows that it was something she would have to face eventually, but how many other times did she have to face it? How long before she made herself forget again?<p>

"So Finn, I heard you and Rachel Berry had quite the little adventure this morning," Dr. Schue says as they sit across from each other.

"Are you going to send her away? Or me? Are you going to separate us now?" he asks, because he can't help asking.

"That's not up to us, that's up to Rachel's legal guardian."

"Is that what happened to Brittany?"

"I told you Finn, I can't discuss that with you."

"It is isn't it? Her parents found out about her and Santana, that's why they took her away, it's not like she was cured or anything."

"Finn that isn't what we're here to talk about."

"Look I wasn't trying to run away, I had an episode, that's it."

"Is that why you decided to take Rachel?"

"She wanted to see her dads."

"And I'm assuming you know why that would be impossible right?"

"They're dead, I didn't know when I took her."

"This is why we advise against fraternization, it always ends badly Finn."

"I don't care," Finn says.

"You don't care about what?"

"I don't care how messed up she is, I know that's what everyone's worried about, that I won't be able to handle it that I can't take care of her, but I can, I want to."

"Finn this isn't about whether you can take care of Rachel, this is about whether you can take care of yourself."

"I'm not going to try to kill myself again."

"Because you found someone worth living for right?" Dr. Schue says.

He doesn't answer, but he knows that his eyes say yes.

"Finn that's the problem, you can't live for Rachel, or your parents or your stepbrother, you have to live for you."

"So what, it's wrong that I care about someone?"

"No Finn, it's great that you care about Rachel so much, even if you don't have the most responsible ways of showing it, I just wish that you would care about yourself half as much."

He doesn't answer, he simply nods, thinking maybe Dr. Schue has a point.

* * *

><p>She wasn't in group that day, probably for the best, the way Jesse chewed him out he knows he would have made things ten times worse for Rachel. For the first time since he got there Santana didn't say a word, even when Lauren called her a whore. He worried for Santana, but even more for Rachel. He wondered if she still knew about her dads or if she had pushed it out of her mind already.<p>

"Nurse Jones," Finn says, catching up to her after group.

"Well if it isn't the escape artist?" Nurse Jones says slyly.

"Why wasn't Rachel in group? I thought you said_ no exceptions no excuses_."

"I would ask her about that but she's been practically catatonic in her room all day. At that Nurse Jones peels off, leaving Finn with his worried thoughts. He knows the last thing he should be thinking about doing is going into her room, but he doesn't care, he has to see her and it's not like he can get into any more trouble at this point.

She's laying on her side with her knees pulled up to her chest as she faces the wall, he closes the door behind him and approaches her silently and places a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Rach?" he says quietly.

He doesn't say anything as she grabs his hand and pulls him down to lay next to her, he doesn't fight her, he wants to be here.

"Are you okay?" he asks, knowing that she probably isn't.

"I'm going to be stuck here forever aren't I?" she says quietly.

"No, of course not, you're going to get through this Rachel, I promise," he says as he runs his fingers through her soft hair.

"Do you want to know why I love you Finn?"

"Why?"

"Because, you're the only person who's ever treated me like I wasn't crazy."

"That's because you're not," he says, pulling her closer. "You're just sad, it's okay to be sad Rachel."

She finally turns in his arms and faces him. "You're getting better," she says.

"Not as far as Dr. Schue is concerned."

"No, but you're going to get better, and I'm happy, I'm so happy Finn because you deserve it," she says, her voice breaking. "But me, I'm never going to get better."

"Shh, don't say that Rachel," he says touching her face and kissing away the salt water on her lips. "You're going to be fine, you're strong, you're stronger than I am. You can do anything."

"She doesn't want me," she says darkly.

"Who?"

"Shelby, she says she does, but she doesn't, she only wants me around if I don't cause any problems for her. That's why she sent me here," she explains tearfully. "And I think I knew deep down that my dads weren't coming back, that they were gone, but I just, I needed them to be alive so bad. I just tricked myself into believing they were, that everything was okay so I wouldn't be alone."

"You're not alone Rachel," he says and he runs his hands underneath her shirt, touching the warm skin on her back, needing to be that much closer to her.

"What's going to happen when you leave Finn? What's going to happen to us?"

He rubs her back, feeling her tremble, and kisses her deeply, feeling and tasting her mouth with his. "I promise you, no matter what happens I'll always be there for you, always," he whispers into her mouth and touches her lips with his again. They're going to make him leave the room eventually, but for now, he only wants to be here.

**Stay tuned folks!**


	12. Away From Her

**So sorry for the delay on this. Anyway, second to last chapter before the epilogue, enjoy!**

He doesn't feel like doing much of anything today, not because of the drugs, the new dosage actually is better for his mood. For once there's a tangible reason for feeling a bit down. She won't leave her room anymore, and with the staff keeping a watchful eye on him, seeing her when he wants has become next to impossible. He wishes there was something he could do, something to help her the way she helped him without even trying to, just by being her. He just needs her to be okay, and he hates not knowing if she is. He passes by her room sometimes, just to catch a glimpse of her. He can never see her face, she's always laying sideways on her bed, looking at the back wall. He wonders if she blames him for not coming to see her, or if she knows what's going on. He hopes she knows how much he still loves her, because he does, he loves her so much and wants nothing more than to protect her, but he can't and that kills him. It's been three days since they returned from their excursion, three days since he's been able to talk to her, he misses her, he misses her face and her voice and the way she makes him smile. He's sitting alone on the big couch, hearing the television but not really listening to it, it's one of Lauren's picks, something about a couple with nineteen kids or some impossible number. Nobody has come around to bug him, which he appreciates, but he feels he's spoken too soon as Santana sinks down on the couch next to him. He takes a sideways glance at her, she's still a mess over Brit leaving and they can all tell, she's not even fighting Lauren over the remote anymore.

"Hey lurch, can I ask you something?" She says quietly.

"Are you talking to me?" Finn replies.

"What the hell do you think?"

"What is it Santana?" he sighs.

She shifts her eyes and moves in closer, clearly not wanting anyone else to hear. "I want to know how you did it."

"Did what?"

"Found pants that don't stop at your knees," She says sarcastically. "Are those specially made for stilt walkers?"

"Okay, I'm done" he says, beginning to stand up.

"Sorry, I'm still a little pissy, that was the last one, I promise," she says, grabbing his wrist and making him sit back down. "I want to know how you escaped."

He furrows his brow at her, not sure if she's serious or not.

"Please, I need to know," she says desperately.

"You're trying to sneak out to see Brit aren't you?" he deduces.

"This place is a fucking nightmare without her Finn, I know you understand."

"I do, and I wish I could help, but as you can see I didn't get far. I got caught, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm smarter than you, I bet if you told me where to start I could be gone without a trace."

He really does want to help her, he knows how miserable she's been, but at the same time it_ is_ Santana, about the scariest girl he's ever met, and he doesn't want to be responsible for anything happening to her or anyone she may lash out at if given free rein.

"Santana, please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure being out of the hospital is the best thing?"

"What the fuck are you trying to say Hudson?" She says raising her voice a little.

"That," he replies, gesturing toward her. "I mean, you're kind of pissed off all the time."

"Well wouldn't you be pissed off if everyone constantly told you what to do and who to love? Like it's any of their fucking business?"

"Of course but-"

"But what?" she says, tears beading in her eyes. "Look I'm not trying to hurt anyone okay, I just want to see her, I just miss her so fucking much Finn."

"They're going to find you eventually, and when they do they'll send you back here," he argues.

"I know," she says, nodding and wiping at her tears. "But if I could just see her for like a little bit then it will all be worth it."

He gives at that point, girl tears are his Kryptonite. He leans in then, and she leans in too. "It wasn't hard," he whispers. "But they're keeping a closer eye on everyone now so you might want to wait a week or so until everyone calms down." She nods and he continues, telling her about the disguise and the emergency room and the zombie-like nature of the staff after hours, and she nods along with him, hanging on his every word.

"Thank you," she says as he finishes.

"Just please be careful," he says.

"I will, I promise," and before he knows it she's hugging him, something he definitely wasn't expecting. "By the way, the hobbit's in the shower, nobody's watching." she whispers into his ear. At that she gets up from the couch, leaving him with his thoughts.

* * *

><p>There are two shower rooms on the floor, one for the boys and one for the girls. There aren't any locks on the door, but they're typically deserted this time of the day since everyone uses them either first thing in the morning or last thing before bed. he hears the one shower running through the door as he approaches it, and the sound of her humming a low, mournful tune. Santana was right, nobody is around to see him go in. He feels a bit like a perv but he pushes the thought away as he slips in quickly.<p>

"Rachel?" he says, tiptoeing along the moist tile. "Rach, are you in here?"

"Finn?" she replies behind the wall, her voice thick with tears. "Where have you been?"

"I'm so sorry Rachel, but you haven't left your room and I can't get in anymore, not with them watching all the time."

"Can you come here?" she says timidly.

"You mean, in... in there?" he stammers. "With you?"

"Please," she insists. He swallows hard and hesitantly pulls his shirt up over his head, dropping it on the damp tile. He removes his socks and his pants next and takes another deep breath before dropping his underwear, leaving him completely naked. He tiptoes around to where she's standing under the running water and his heart sinks at the sight of her, naked and crying, her head resting against the tile and her thin arms wrapped around her shaking body. He doesn't hesitate a second longer to join her beneath the hot water and wrap his arms around, her letting her sink into his embrace.

"It's okay, I got you," he whispers to her as he strokes her wet hair and holds her as close as their bodies will allow. "It's going to be okay."

He doesn't know if she believes him, but she's clearly better now that he's here, she cups his face and crushes his lips under hers, kissing him longingly and urgently making him feel how much she needs him. And he needs her too, desperately.

"I need you," she whispers against his mouth and he tastes her salty tears even with the water running.

"You mean..." and she nods against his forehead.

"But, I don't have anything," He says.

"They make me take birth control. On top of everything they say I have PMDD," she assures him.

"Have you ever..."

"No, have you?"

"No," he chokes out nervously. And he takes a step back, taking in her flawless body, and her sad, beautiful face and he leans in to kiss her again, first on her mouth then his lips travel downward, kissing her neck and her shoulder as he once again pulls her close, hoisting her up by her ass and concentrating hard on not slipping as he backs her up against the tiled wall.

"Rachel," he says breathlessly as he stares into her wide chocolate eyes. "You are so beautiful."

"So are you," she says quietly, running one hand over his freckled face and holding onto his shoulder with the other. He kisses the heel of her hand as she continues to touch his face, then he kisses her lips again as she wraps both arms tighter around him. She's feels nearly weightless in his arms and her legs are circled so tightly around his body that he knows she feels him growing hard against her.

"Is this okay?" his says timidly. "I mean after..." he doesn't want to bring it up, but he can't help thinking about it, even if he doesn't want to, and he doesn't, he only wants to think about Rachel safe and happy, but he sees the scar on her neck again and unwelcome images invade his mind and he has to know.

"It's okay," she assures him. "It's you, you would never hurt me."

"Never," he insists, and he seizes her mouth with his once more and as gently and carefully as he can, he pushes into her. She gasps sharply and clenches her hand into his hair as he penetrates her tight center and he stops, needing to make sure it's okay to keep going.

"Are you alright?" He whispers huskily, and she nods, so he continues, moving in and out, making her slide up and down the slippery wall as he loves her. He's not going to last long, he knows it, she's so tight and hot and the way she holds him and kisses him everywhere and the sighing, moaning noises she makes penetrate him completely, making him feel everything, feel her everywhere. And he's never loved her more than right now, he never loved anyone more.

"I love you," he groans as he continues to thrust into her, because he just can't say it enough.

"I love you, Finn," she says, there are still tears in her throat, and he knows that she hurts in more ways than one right now, the good way and the bad, and she needs him, needs him to love and comfort her with his body, and to let her do the same for him. They're both so broken, but together they work, together they're whole.

He comes powerfully and intensely, unraveling against her, he manages to stay on his feet through some miracle but he needs to rest his forehead against the tile, still holding her and trapping her against the wall as she places her feet back on the ground.

"We're a part of each other now Finn," she says quietly after taking a few moments to catch her breath. "It was always supposed to be this way."

"It always will be," he answers.

* * *

><p>He's dressed again, hoping that they don't notice the splotches of water on his clothes before he can change. Nobody can know what they were doing, if they were in a bit of trouble before it would be so much worse if they knew how far they'd taken it. He's paranoid, naturally, and somehow Jesse's glaring seems even more intense than usual as they pass through the community room on their way back to their rooms, but they stop short as they see her standing there, luggage at her feet... Rachel's luggage.<p>

"Aunt Shelby?" Rachel says confusedly. "What's going on."

Her face looks guilty, and Finn's heart sinks as he realizes whats happening. Word must have gotten back to Shelby, about how Rachel wouldn't leave her room, about how miserable she's been since finding out about her fathers. He knows she must blame him, even if it's only because she needs someone to blame, but she's decided he's bad for her he can tell just by the way she looks at him, it's all over, she doesn't have to say a word for him to know that.

"You're coming with me Rachel," she says. "It's time to leave."

**Stay Tuned Folks!**


	13. Me Without You

**Last chapter before the epilogue, enjoy!**

He squeezes her hand tighter, it's more of an reflex than anything, but aside from that he doesn't react right away, mostly because he needs to give himself a minute to make sense of everything, Shelby is taking Rachel, taking her where?

"What do you mean?" Rachel says, her tone somewhat panicked. "Where are you taking me?"

"We can discuss it on the way Rachel," Shelby says.

"No, you need to tell me now," Rachel says, raising her voice. "Are you taking me home?"

He knows it's what she wants, what she really wants, to go home, to have some sense of normalcy again, and that's what he wants for her too, it's what he wants for them both. But he sees Shelby's face fall at the question and he knows that home isn't what she had in mind.

"Rachel please, like I said-"

"Answer the question Shelby," Finn says bluntly. "Where are you taking her?"

"I'm sorry but this doesn't concern you," Shelby replies, putting her hand up dismissively.

"Yes it does," Rachel cuts in, moving in closer to him. "he loves me."

"I understand why you would think that-

"She thinks it because it's true," Finn says firmly, interrupting Shelby. "Now where are you taking her?"

She narrows her eyes at him a bit, clearly thrown for a loop. "Finn, can I talk to you alone for a second?" Shelby says. "Rachel why don't you go get changed?"

"No, I want to talk about this right now," Rachel says, her voice breaking.

"Rachel it's okay," Finn says softly, his hands on her shoulders as he looks into her eyes. "It'll just be a second okay?" And he kisses her softly on the forehead and releases her, sending her reluctantly to her room.

"What are you doing?" Shelby says once Rachel is out of earshot. "Do you think this is some kind of game?"

"No, not at all," Finn replies. "I'm in love with her."

"You don't even know her, she's a very sick girl Finn, she'll become anyone to avoid dealing with what happened."

"She has been dealing with it, you're the one who hasn't been dealing with it."

"So you think you know me now?"

"I know that you sent her here to rot after her parents died so you wouldn't have to be bothered with her."

"I sent her here to get help Finn, that's all."

"Where are you taking her?" he repeats, more firmly this time.

"That's none of your business."

"You're taking her to another facility aren't you?" he deduces, and her jaw tightens at the question, and he knows his answer. "You can't do that to her."

"I'm her legal guardian, it's my responsibility to do what's best for her. And I have to say I don't like what's been going on here at all."

"Being locked away isn't what's best for her," he replies, raising his voice. "These places are for people who want to hurt themselves or other people, that's not her, she would never hurt anyone. She's just a girl who misses her dads. She needs to be with someone who loves her, who will take care of her not-

"Oh, you mean you?" Shelby scoffs, cutting him off.

He exhales slowly, knowing how hard it will be to say what he needs to say next, to do the unselfish thing.

"No, I mean you," he finally says. "I know that she's frustrating, okay, but I also know how much you love her, I can see it all over you face, and maybe you weren't prepared for all of this, I understand that, but you're going to have to be because she needs you. Not another hospital."

She looks angry, pissed even, but he can tell that he's getting to her, that she knows there is truth to what he's saying. "Do you seriously expect me to take advice from a suicidal teenager Finn?"

"No, I don't," He sighs. "I expect you to do what you know is right." His voice starts to break and he knows that he's not going to be able to make his case for very long without breaking down, still he soldiers on. "She'll die if you keep her locked away like this, please just think about it."

"Finn, what is this thing between you and Rachel, tell me the truth," Shelby says calmly. "Why her?"

"Because..." he starts. "I know you think that I don't know her, but I do. She's honest and passionate and she loves with everything she has. She loved me when I couldn't even manage to care about myself. She saved me, and now she needs me to save her and the only way that I know how to do that is to beg you not to give up on her."

"Shelby?" He looks past Shelby at Rachel who has reemerged in a change of clothes, she looks so lost, so afraid.

"Honey, it's time for us to go," Shelby says, her voice cracking as she speaks.

"No," Rachel says, and she cuts past Shelby and launches herself into Finn's arms, who holds her there without hesitation. "I won't go, I won't leave Finn."

"You have to go with her Rachel," Finn says tearfully, and he looks at Shelby, pleading with her silently as he holds Rachel and strokes her hair. "I'll be fine, I promise."

"But I love you," she sobs, hugging him tighter.

"I love you too, so much. And I promise you that I'm going to get out of here and we'll be together just like we talked about," Finn says, wanting more than anything to believe that. "But there's nothing we can do now, she's made her decision. All we can do is hope that she made the right one."

* * *

><p>Santana broke out of the hospital three days after Rachel left, and unlike Finn she managed to get away for longer than half an hour. He thinks about her, about whether she managed to run away with Brittany. On some level he hopes she succeeded, because he imagines if life here without Brittany was even half as painful for her as being without Rachel is for him she's a lot better off now. He hates not knowing what happened to Rachel, whether Shelby did the right thing, but all he can do is wonder, if he had any idea where Rachel was then maybe he'd risk it and go after her too, or at least call her. The fact that she hasn't called or visited him at the hospital yet probably means that she was sent to that facility after all, but he doesn't want to think about that, he likes to think that Shelby took her home after all and that she's simply preventing her from trying to contact him, as awful as that would be if it were true it's better than the other scenario, Rachel curled up in a hospital bed somewhere, alone and crying.<p>

He hasn't slept very well in the five days since Rachel was taken away from him, and his sessions with Dr. Schuester and group sessions with Dr. Pillsbury are getting him nowhere, but he can't manage to even pretend like he's getting along just fine without Rachel. He misses her and worries about her every day. Now as he sleeps for once she even invades his dreams. He's near a river, on a gray, overcast day, and there are lush trees and the smell of pine everywhere, and it's cold, cold enough for frost to form on the rocks and grass, and she's sitting on a boulder, her back facing him as she sings a sad song that he doesn't recognize. She's dressed in white, a white slip and her feet are bare and she must be freezing, her arms are wrapped around her body and she's shivering and her beautiful voice comes out shaking. He runs to her, needing to take her into his arms, needing to make her warm, but he can't get there, he can't get to her because someone has stopped him in his tracks, a dark figure who's face he can't see has blocked his path and before he can fight him off the figure whips out a knife, pressing it to his throat.

"I told you it wasn't over," the familiar voice seethes, snapping him awake, and in the darkness he can barely make out Jesse's face as he hovers over him, pressing something rough yet light and flimsy against his neck.

"What the hell are you doing?" Finn seethes.

"You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? But you're going to pay very dearly for your meddling."

"Is that a fucking plastic knife dude?" They both turn their heads toward Puck who is sitting at the edge of his bed, observing the commotion in his room.

"Stay out of this Puckerman," Jesse spits.

"Stay out of what? Your attempt to give Finn a series of minor welts?" Puck shoots back.

Finn looks down to see what Puck is talking about, confirming that he really is being threatened with a piece of plastic.

"Wow, you really are crazy," Finn says, pushing Jesse off.

"Oh please I was just trying to scare you," Jesse says haughtily, "If I wanted to kill you I could have easily smothered you with a pillow"

"Jesse I'm really not in the mood, can you please go to bed?" Finn says, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

"Fine, but you guys are no fun at all to terrorize," Jesse says, getting up from Finn's bed and exiting the room.

"So, are you okay man?" Puck says.

"Do you think I'm afraid of that clown?" Finn scoffs.

"Not that, I meant about Rachel."

Finn pauses and swallows hard at that point, preparing to answer.

"No," he answers solemnly, "I'm not okay."

* * *

><p>He can tell that Dr. Schuester is becoming more and more frustrated with him, he doesn't blame him, because somehow, even though he's better in so many ways, opening up to him is as hard as it ever was. After his session he drags himself to the community room, and sinks onto the couch, deciding that Lauren's choice of TV show today doesn't seem too unbearable, it looks like some sort of soap opera, at least it's not another bizarre reality show about people with severe emotional problems. He deals with enough of that in real life.<p>

"Finn Hudson?" he hears Nurse Jones call his name and he groans a little, all he wants is to be left alone, but still, he turns his head to see what she wants. "You have a visitor."

He knits his brow in confusion, he knows it can't be his parents, they both work this time a day, and they came to visit the day before, still he's curious. He stands up from the couch and follows Nurse Jones to the visiting room. And when he sees who's come to visit a range of emotions hits him at once, but mostly anxiety.

"Did you come here to yell at me again?" he says to his stepbrother with as much confidence as he can muster.

"I come in peace," Kurt says warmly. "Why don't you sit?" he continues, kicking out a chair for him, and Finn obliges, sitting down.

"I really wasn't expecting to see you," Finn says. "Not that I'm not happy, I mean, I'm really happy to see you."

"Well I know I haven't been showing it in the best way, or at all for that matter, but I've missed you Finn," Kurt says. "And I also wanted to apologize. I made this whole thing about me and that was wrong. You were the one who needed help, I should have just been there for you whether you asked me to be or not."

"No, you were right," Finn says. "I shut everyone out because... I guess I was just too ashamed to admit how I was feeling."

"How were you feeling?"

"Like I had no control anymore," Finn admits. "like I was becoming someone I didn't like and I had no way of stopping it."

"Look Finn," Kurt says seriously. "What happened with my father, I know that wasn't you. I know who you are Finn, and it's not that."

"Who am I?"

"You're my brother," Kurt says warmly. "Not my stepbrother, but my real brother, and you're kind and decent, and you love my father, I know that."

"I do, I really do."

"And I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't understand. It's just, after what happened I didn't know how to be around you anymore. But that was my problem not yours."

He nods in understanding as Kurt reaches out and squeezes his hand. "Do you want to know who else you are?" Kurt continues, and at that he reaches into his satchel and pulls out a thick black journal, adorned with band stickers. "You are a pretty excellent songwriter my friend."

"You found it?" Finn says, brightening. "Where was it?"

"Don't hate me but I actually found it a few days ago when I was cleaning the garage."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because, I wanted to see what you had been up to all those nights you locked yourself in your room. I wanted a better idea of who Finn Hudson was," Kurt explains. "I hope you don't mind that I read it."

"No, it's okay, it's actually feels kind of good to let someone in for once," Finn says, absentmindedly flipping through the book. "Look Kurt, when I get out of here, I promise that things are going to be better. The medication I'm on now, I actually feel somewhat clear again for once. More like me."

"Really?" Kurt says, in mild disbelief.

"Really," Finn insists. "Why?"

"Finn don't take this the wrong way because you really do seem a lot better, but you also kind of look like you lost your best friend."

"Yeah," Finn says sadly. "I think I might have."

* * *

><p>They talk for two straight hours, about Rachel, about Blaine, about their parents, about what lies ahead, about music, and they laugh and cry together the way they used to, and for the first time since Rachel left Finn feels something resembling happiness. He really had no idea how much he missed Kurt, but talking to him again brings it all back. By the time group therapy rolls around he doesn't want to say goodbye, but Kurt promises to visit again the next day, and Finn feels good knowing that he has at least one thing to look forward to.<p>

"So Quinn, I must say you're looking much better these days," Dr. Pillsbury says as she starts group. "Did you want to talk about your progress?"

"I'm working really hard to feel the way I'm supposed to," Quinn says softly. "Like it's okay to have a piece of cake every once in awhile, or that a size four isn't fat. And sometimes I feel okay about thinking those things, but other times, I don't know, I feel like I'm committing a betrayal or something and I don't even know who I'm betraying. I just want to be happy for once. I just want to stop punishing myself all the time. I guess that's all."

"That's very good Quinn," Dr. Pillsbury says. "How about you Finn, is there anything you would like to say?"

He clears his throat and looks back and forth across the room. "I've been told that I need to care about myself more," He finally says. "And I'm trying to, I'm trying to think about all of the good I can do, all of the things that are positive in my life. And I feel like I'm going to be alright for once. It's just that...

"Go on," Dr. Pillsbury says.

"I still care about other people too," he continues. "I miss Rachel, and if I can't talk to her or know that she's okay I can't think about anything else. But I don't think it's because of my problems, I think I just love her."

"Okay, do you want to expand on that Finn?" Dr. Pillsbury asks sympathetically.

"Everyone can keep insisting that I'm focusing on Rachel so I won't have to focus on me, but it's not true anymore. Because I'm better now, I'm clearer, I've made up with my parents and my brother and I don't want to hurt myself anymore, but I still can't sleep at night because I don't know where she is and I hate it," He says angrily. "I know that I have problems but that doesn't mean that I can't love someone the right way. It's my head that's fucked up, not my heart."

"Wow Finn," Mrs. Pillsbury says. "That's very honest."

"I just want to see her," Finn says. "I know that what Santana did was wrong and maybe even dangerous but I'm glad she did it."

"Finn, you're not thinking of doing something rash are you?" Dr. Pillsbury says warily.

"No," Finn admits. "I'm not going to Run. I'm ready to go home, the right way, and when I do I'm going to find her."

* * *

><p>He wakes up that morning, knowing exactly what he's going to say to Dr. Schuester, he's ready to tell him everything, everything that he needs to tell him to get out so he can find Rachel and be with her, so he can start living his life again. He knows that he's ready, he just needs to make Dr. Schuester realize it too. He takes his morning dosage and heads to his office determinedly, but before he can get very far he hears Nurse Jones calling behind him.<p>

"Finn, phone for you," he spins on his heel to meet Nurse Jones, taking the phone from her.

"Someone's awful popular this week," she says.

"Thanks nurse" He says. "Hello?" he continues into the phone.

"Finn?"

He nearly drops the phone when he hears it, the most beautiful voice in the entire world.

"Finn, are you there?" she says softly.

"Rachel?" is all he can manage to say.

"Finn, oh my god, I've missed you so much," she cries.

"I've missed you too, what happened? Where are you? Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay," he says frantically.

"I'm okay," she says thickly. "Shelby took me to another hospital and I thought I was going to die Finn, because I missed you so much and I was so alone."

"Rachel it's okay, we're going to figure this out. I'm going to get out of here just like I said and we-"

"Finn you don't understand," she says, cutting him off. "I'm home now."

"Wait... what?"

"Shelby came to pick me up this morning, she said she was taking me home," Rachel says brightly. "And she also said that it was because of something you said."

"Rachel I was just trying to-"

"Thank you," She interrupts tearfully. "Thank you so much Finn. I love you, you have no idea how much."

"It's like I said, I'm always here for you no matter what," he says, his voice breaking, he doesn't want to hang up, he wants to listen to her voice for hours, but Dr. Schue is poking his head out of his office and looking at him as he points at his watch. "Listen baby, I have to go but I promise I'll call you after my session."

"I'll be waiting by the phone," she says, she then gives him her number and they say their goodbyes once more and he reluctantly hangs up the phone. He can't keep the smile off of his face as he goes to meet Dr. Schue in his office.

"You look happy today," Dr. Schuester says as Finn sits across from him.

"I feel happy," Finn says.

"So what did you want to talk about this morning Finn?"

"Everything," Finn says with an optimistic half-smile. "I want to talk about everything."

**Stay tuned for the epilogue folks!**


	14. Epilogue

**And here's the end. As always, I've loved every minute of writing this, just as I hope you've loved every minute of reading it.** **Enjoy!**

He feels he'll never get used to this, every caller is different, they all have different personalities, different needs, different fears, different stories, but they all have one thing in common, hope. They wouldn't be calling if they didn't hope on some level that there was something in this cruel world worth living for. It's difficult work, especially those times when he just doesn't know what to say and he has to ramble about nonsense just to keep them on the phone until he can think of something better. Sometimes he cries, but he never lets it reach his voice. They can't know how sad their stories make him sometimes, it isn't about him after all.

"Crisis center, talk to me," He says in a gentle voice. "What can I help you with?"

Whoever is on the other line doesn't answer right away but he can hear him sobbing into the phone.

"It's okay," He says calmly, "Let it out, sometimes that helps, just don't hang up okay?"

"Okay," the man on the other line chokes out.

"What's your name, can you tell me your name?"

"Da-dave," the distressed caller says. "Dave Kar... Dave K," he continues, deciding not to give his full name.

"Hi Dave, I'm Finn, do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I'm disgusting, I'm a freak," Dave says brokenly. "I just want it to go away, but it just won't go away, all these feelings... these sick feelings."

"What kind of feelings?" Finn says. "Can you tell me about that?"

"I fucked someone," He says, hyperventilating "Someone I had no business fucking and I liked it and I fucking hate myself."

"Look Dave, I'm sure whoever it was-

"It was a guy," he blurts as if he expects Finn to hate him for it. "This guy from school, and I know I shouldn't have, I know it's wrong but I just couldn't help it anymore and now I can't stop thinking about him and I'm sick."

"Dave, if you have feelings for other men then that's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's certainly not something that you should think about hurting yourself over," Finn says carefully.

"Bullshit," Dave spits. "I'm not supposed to be this way, I'm supposed to be hooking up with hot cheerleaders not dudes. I'm a football stud, people look up to me, if they knew I was... that way, if my parents knew..."

"Dave, is there anyone close to you that you may be able to talk to about this?" Finn says. "Someone you think might accept you?"

"_I_ can't even accept me," Dave says.

"What about this guy from school?"

"Sebastian?" Dave says tearfully. "I can't even look at him, every time I do I just get these thoughts in my head, about him, and I can't fucking let it happen again."

"Listen Dave, I know what it's like to feel like you can't tell anyone the truth about what you're feeling," Finn says. "But believe me, killing yourself isn't the answer. You may think that you're alone but you're not. People care about you Dave, they want you to be happy, even if it means loving someone that they may not expect."

"Hey I don't love this guy, alright" Dave says defensively.

"I'm not saying that, I'm just saying if you feel about men the way you think you should feel about women, then you shouldn't run away from those feelings, and you shouldn't punish yourself for them."

"But what if everyone hates me?"

"The world can be cruel, and ignorant sometimes, I'm not going to lie to you about that," Finn says with a soft sigh. "But there's so much good in it too, and you'll never be able to see it if you shut everyone and everything out."

"You don't know what it's like man, you don't know what it's like to feel this way."

"I know more than you think," Finn replies. "And I know that you called me because part of you doesn't want to go through with this, just listen to that part of yourself Dave."

He's on the phone with Dave K. for over an hour, by the time he hangs up he feels emotionally drained, but also like he did a good thing, Dave K. promises to seek help, and to talk to someone who can relate to what he's going through, like Finn suggested. He doesn't think that Dave K. is going to kill himself. He removes his headset and says his goodbyes to his fellow volunteers before heading to his car. Today is going to be a good day, he can tell.

He reaches his destination right before sundown, he's been here so many times before but it's still daunting, he doesn't always know what to expect, but things have been good for the most part, and he can't imagine today will be any different. He hops out of his car and strides up to the door, hesitating a bit before knocking. He forces a nervous smile when she answers with that same guarded look that always reaches her face at the sight of him. He knows that she always secretly wonders every time he comes by if it will be the last.

"Hey Shelby," he says genially. "I'm supposed to pick Rachel up, I'm early."

"She's in the hammock," Shelby says, stepping aside to let him in. He gives her another nervous smile and heads for their back porch. A wide grin reaches his lips like always at the sight of her, so beautiful in her yellow sundress, the setting sun illuminating her golden skin. Her eyes are closed, but he can tell she's not sleeping by the way her lips are moving to the music she's listening to on her ipod, still, he approaches her quietly, and bends down to press a soft kiss to the bridge of her nose.

"I missed those lips," she says with an easy smile, her eyes still closed.

"Sorry, I know I've been busy a lot lately," he says. "With school and work and the hotline and everything."

"No need to apologize," she says opening her big eyes and removing her headphones. "I don't need to tell you how proud I am of you."

"I'm just trying to be better you know," He says. "To prove to everyone that I've moved past everything that happened last year. And to prove it to myself too I guess."

"Well, you don't have to prove anything to me," she says, sitting up and placing her hands on her shoulders. She then kisses his lips, feeling his smile as he kisses her back "Come on, lay down with me, this is the best part of the house to see the sunset from," She takes his hand and helps him awkwardly settle into the hammock with her, and she's right, the sunset is amazing. And so is she, her smell, the touch of her skin, everything feels so perfect when he's lying next to her.

"Don't get too comfortable," he says. "The show starts in an hour."

"I know, I didn't forget," she says, pulling his arms tighter around her. "I just want you to myself for awhile," he knows the feeling. "So, what about me?"

"What do you mean?" he says between soft kisses to her shoulder.

"Well, do you think I'll ever really be okay again?" she says, her voice serious. "I know I still get very sad sometimes, and that scares you."

He can't deny that it's true, some days are better than others, sometimes she cries for no reason, sometimes she gets frustrated and yells, sometimes she's just Rachel, and he loves Rachel with everything that he has, even if he does worry about her the way she says.

"I think you're Rachel Berry," He says simply, brushing her hair back with his fingers. "And Rachel Berry is the strongest, smartest, most beautiful person in the whole world. You'll fight your way through anything babe."

"Hmm, I love your pep talks," she says softly as she traces his scarred wrists with her fingers. "You're going to make a great teacher."

"And you're going to make a great... Broadway... person," he says awkwardly.

"I don't know, sometimes I think she'll never trust me enough to go to New York on my own, not with all of my problems."

"Well," he starts contemplatively. "What if I went with you?"

She remains silent as she looks up at him. "Are you serious?"

"Well yeah," he says shrugging. "By the time you graduate high school I'll have enough college credits to transfer to a university, may as well be in New York, I hear the Job market's pretty good out there for teachers, especially in the inner cities, I can be like one of those teachers from the movies who shapes up the lost causes through the power of learning. Also I have a history of mental illness so the really dangerous ones won't dick with me."

"You_ are_ serious," she says, her face brightening.

"I told you I'm in this for good," he says. "I go where you go, always."

"I really do love you," she says, twisting upwards to press her lips to his, and as she tries to pull away he cups the back of her head, wanting it to last, wanting to linger on her lips until he runs out of breath, and she lets him.

* * *

><p>It's a little before seven by the time they make it to the fair. He finds Blaine and Kurt in the crowd after a bit of searching and greets them both, taking some time to discuss their set, Matt the bassist and Rory the keyboarder are already backstage setting up. It's not exactly the flashiest of gigs but it's better than Blaine's garage, and it's Finn's first public performance after rejoining the band, so he wants it to go perfectly, especially since Rachel will be in the audience. They're going on after the group currently playing, some punk outfit called The Sex Sharks, he's never heard of them but from what he can hear over his conversation with Blaine they're pretty good.<p>

"Hey, can you believe these guys," Blaine says, nodding toward the stage.

"I know, they're going to be a tough act to follow I'll tell you that much," Finn agrees. "That lead singer is..." He can't finish his sentence as he notices how familiar the lead singer in question is. "Oh my god Rach is that..."

"Noah!" Rachel yells, waving enthusiastically from the crowd, trying to get their old friends attention, as Puck finally spots them in the crowd he gives them a smile and a nod and continues to play. Finn had heard that Puck was released some time ago, but he never expected to see him here.

It's intermission after Puck's set, so there's some time to talk, he greets his mohawked former roommate with a hug, as does Rachel.

"So how the hell are you? Staying out of trouble?" Puck says.

"Trying to, how about you?" Finn replies.

"Well, I'm learning to channel my aggression toward healthier pursuits, like sex, and my music, but mostly sex."

"Well you've certainly picked a fitting name for your band," Rachel says. "You were excellent by the way."

"Well thanks a lot Berry, I appreciate it," Puck says graciously. "And it's good to see that you two are still hanging out. I haven't seen anyone from that place since I left, although last I heard Santana ran away to West Hollywood with Brit, not sure how true that is, but good for them if it is."

"I'm sure we haven't seen the last of Santana Lopez," Finn says.

"Hey Finn, we need you backstage," Blaine calls. "There'll be plenty of time to catch up after the show."

"Well, I gotta go but you're going to stick around after right?" Finn says.

"Of course man," Puck says, smacking him on the arm. "Now go kick ass."

He turns to Rachel then, allowing her beaming smile to psych him up for the show, and he pulls her in by the waist, kissing her for luck, for courage, and just because he feels like kissing her, just like he always does, just like he always will, and with a simple I love you he turns to join his friends, thinking that they have their whole lives ahead of them.

**That's All Folks!**


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